I Thought I Was Safe There

I went to church yesterday.  I hadn't been in months.  I'd probably only been once since I stopped drinking.

At church, we serve wine during communion.  We also have a non-alcoholic wine.  The non-alcoholic wine is in the middle ring of the tray.

The middle ring was empty yesterday.

Empty.

All that was there was alcoholic wine.

I froze.  I took the cup because I had to. But I panicked.  I had no idea what to do.  Because I knew if I drank even that little bit, I was going to be in trouble.

Even that little bit.

When we were dismissed from the altar, I went to the Sacristy and put it on the counter.  Went to the bathroom and cried.

I couldn't handle it.  I did handle it.  But I felt this rush of panic. 

I didn't drink it.  I am okay.

But I am going to make sure there is non-alcoholic wine from now on.

I thought I was supposed to be safe at church.

I Am Seeing the Promises

I am seeing the promises!

I am seeing and witnessing the good that can come in my life!  And it is amazing!

Just when I start to get inside of myself.  When I start to withdrawl, He shows up.

I am so blessed.

So incredibly blessed.

We may not have a lot of money.  We may not have all the bells and whistles other people have.

But we don't need it.  We have what we need.  And what we don't have is being provided.

I never understood God taking care of my needs.  I never did.  But since I have given my life to Him, He is doing more than I ever even thought to anticipate.

God is so good.  So good.

I Have Joy

I have joy.

Serenity.

Peace.

Love.

Calmness.

Faith.

Spirituality.

Not only did God bring someone back into my life, the weather is getting colder!  Not that they are equal at all, but God is good.  All the time.

I never thought I would have ever had such peace in my heart.

I tell myself every day that I am forgiven.  I have to remind myself.

I forgive you.  I forgive myself.  God has forgiven me.

I am not my past or my bad choices.

I am not my mistakes.

I am a child of God and I am forgiven.  If I continue to follow the steps, keep up my spiritual fitness and focus on today, with the help of my support system and God, I got this.

I am forgiven.

Mandy, I forgive you.

New Beginnings

For the first time in years, I went to a show/concert sober.  

Sober. 

That means no Xanax for my anxiety.  No alcohol for, well, to drink so I am more comfortable.

Nothing.  

It was fun.  It was weird.  It scared me.  But it was good.

I remember the whole show.  I know I didn't make a fool of myself by being drunk.

And I felt bad for those who were falling down drunk.  And worried how they would get home safely.  

It was wierd.  Odd.  

Enlightening. 

Refreshing.

Empowering.

I am not my disease.  I am not my addiction.  

I deserve to live a full and happy and sober life.  I deserve to feel emotions.  

I am worth working to save.

And I am pretty sure my social anxiety never existed.  I thought I had it because I wanted a reason to drink.  Alcohol gave me social anxiety.

I thought it was my solution, but it was the beginning of my problems.

3 Month Chip

3 months.

92 days.

A quarter of a year.

A QUARTER OF A YEAR!

I haven't had a drink, sip, taste, DROP of alcohol!  Even at communion at church I have non alcoholic wine.

3 MONTHS!

I am so proud of myself.

It hasn't been easy.

I had a relapse 3 weeks into AA.  I stopped going to meetings for 4 days.  I started to think I could have 1 drink.  Just 1 bottle.  I woke up the next morning and was back to wanting to die.

I wanted to die, but I didn't want to die.  It seemed like the only logical choice.  If I couldn't stop drinking, then I should die and get it over with.

Such is the mind of those with a sickness.  Espeically a spiritual sickness/illness.

That day.  The day after my relapse I prayed.

I prayed so hard.  And I haven't stopped.

I asked God to take ALL of me.  The good and the bad.  My insecurities and my flaws.  My assets and attributes.  I asked him to take them all so that I could do HIS will and not my own.

And I haven't looked back.

I don't have drama.  I pray.  I thank God.  I ask for forgiveness.

Now I just have to truly forgive myself for all I have done to hurt myself and other people.

I work on that every day.  I will get there.

3 whole months.

A quarter of a year.

Through Him all things are possible.

Even for this lousy drunk ;)