Discontent, perfection, resentment

For the past couple of weeks I've been letting my praying slip.  I think about it and then do something else.

This causes me to try to do my will instead of God's.

Big mistake.

I feel cold and discontent.  I'm angry and can't relax.

Last night I couldn't sleep.  It was after 2am and my body wouldn't relax.  I just felt like hitting things and scratching my arms and eyes out.

I started to think of why.

Then I realized, I needed to physically get on my knees and pray.  So I did.

I prayed and prayed.

I think I need an alarm to remind me to pray.  Because I don't want to feel that way any more.  I don't want to get angry at my kids for stupid stuff.  I don't want to lose my patience so quickly.

I need to make sure I pray.

I like to create

Just a few things I've made recently.  It makes me happy to use my favorite quotes.

Giving Back

Right now there isn't a lot I can give back.  Physically.  I don't have the means.

I was thinking about that in the meeting last night.  Our topic of discussion was giving back.  To other alcoholics as well as others.

All I can do with other alcoholics at this time in my life is share my story.  And tell them how much better it is now.  How I will do anything to keep my sobriety.  My sobriety is so important to me.

The biggest thing I thought of to give back to those I love is their peace of mind.  Since I'm not drinking all the time anymore, they don't worry about me like they used to.  They aren't scared I'm drinking myself to death or going to drive drunk and kill myself or someone else.  They don't have to walk on eggshells around me because they don't know what kind of mood I am in for that day, or that minute.

I can give them my sobriety and my desire to live and be happy.  My gift is me.

I will give back any way possible when the moment is right.  I love helping others and being there for them.

I am incredibly blessed to be able to share this way of life.

I am blessed to be alive.

I am thankful I am happy to be alive.

Let Go and Let God

I try so hard to do this.

I am doing better about letting God.  But even when I am trying to let go, I still fret over it.  I just don't DO anything.

The husband and I had to have a conversation about safety with the teenager last night.  I was fretting over it for 2 days.

Sick to my stomach, wanting to cry, fretting.

I kept praying and praying and praying.  Please take this fear from me.  Please calm me down.  Please help me.  Please.  Take this fear.

And I learned last night.  It is all in my head.  As long as I think about what needs to happen vs jumping the gun, everything will work out.  If I address the situation calmly, it won't all go awry.  If the husband and I present a united front, there is no room for manuvering.

Was the teenager happy with choice we made regarding her safety, probably not.  But we explained why we didn't trust the situation, although we trusted her to make good choices.

I did all of that worrying for nothing.

Maybe that was the lesson.

Let Go.  Let God.

Writing and Delivering

I am working on my 9th step.  Made direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when do to so would injure them or others.

This part is hard.  Not that I am unwilling, because I am more than willing.  But because I cry whenever I think of all the pain and hurt I caused and the peace of mind I stole.

I am so willing to make amends.  To show I am working the program and I am going to be the best person I can possibly be today.  Because tomorrow always becomes today.

I think I have been being hard on myself lately.  I feel like I'm failing as a mom.  I am trying so hard to find the middle ground of not being so controlling, but also not letting them (the kids) get away with everything.  There are so many habits I have to break.  I know I have to take it one day at a time, but I just don't know if I'm doing it right.

I have to make amends to my kids and my husband.  My siblings and my parents.  There are some other people as well.  But those are first.

And that's a lot.

So please pray for me.  With me.  Pray that I will let God be in control and he will guide me to do His will when parenting, and being a good person, in general.

I just want to be the best person I can be.  I want to be the best parent I can be.

I am just so scared I am going to mess it all up.