Fear

I have had a lot of fear creep up into my life recently.

Fear of the future, the unknown.

Fear that I am not doing enough to prepare my kids for their futures.

Fear that I am not doing enough to make my marriage work.

Fear that I am not enough.

Fear that my kids are going to make mistakes.

My fear has nothing to do with them.  My fear has everything to do with me and my relationship with God.

My fear is because I am not relying on God, and instead relying only on myself.

I can't do it.  I need help.  All I can do is what I can do.  Then I pray and turn it over to God.

I was irritable and discontent last night.  Grumpy.

There are too many I's in the words above.  Because it isn't about me doing things.  It is about me giving it over to God.

I can only lead by example.  I can plant the seed for my kids.  I can ask my husband for help.  I can pray for guidance and for His will to be done.

But I can't control what they do or choose.

I have to be willing to accept that.  To live with that.  To live life on life's terms.

It is okay if mistakes are made.  It is how we learn.

Today I need to work on being less neurotic.  And I know I am at times.  Less controlling.  Because when I start to feel out of control, I start grasping at everything I think I can control.

And that never ends well.

So I spend about an hour last night praying.  Just praying.  And trying to listen.  Asking for help and for the ability to give my life over.

Because some days all I can do is cry and beg God to take it from me.

I need help daily.  I just have to be willing to ask for it and accept it.