Relapsing without drinking

Did you know relapse is possible and you don't even have to use? I am so thankful I didn't choose to use alcohol to deal with the problems I allowed to creep up.  I felt like I relapsed.  And in a way, I did.  I went back to old behaviors to make myself feel better, to feel worthy.  To feel valued and appreciated.  And in doing that, in trying to make myself feel better, I nearly ruined my family.  Alcohol is but a symptom of this disease.  If I don't stay in my program,  I can absolutely fuck shit up. 

I am so thankful for a husband who is able to forgive, for kids who know I'm doing my best.

I let up on my spiritual fitness.  I allowed ego and resentments to come to the front.  I stopped praying and chose to skip meetings because I didn't want to go.  My kids will be the first to tell me, that's when I need to go.

This is a thinking disease.  I thought I deserved more.  I deserved better. 

As much as this past month scared me, I am thankful it happened.  If it didn't,  I would still be running on self-help.  I wouldn't have the appreciation for my God, my husband and my family that I have.  So I am thankful and appreciative that I was able to see my part, after talking with several friends in the program. 

It was scary.  And I still have fear.  Fear that I'll lose my husband and kids.  Fear will make you do some crazy shit.  Because if I lose my husband, I lose my kids.  And that isn't to say one is more important than the other, at all.  But I stand the chance to lose it all if I don't make God and my program number 1 and 2 in my life.

It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile.

A bit has changed.

I received my 1 year chip.  I have a new career starting soon.

Career.  I said career.

My life is better than I could have ever imagined.  Better than I deserve, definitely.  But I will gladly take it and run with it.

I am happy.  Even when everything isn't going how I want it to, I am happy because it is okay that it isn't going my way.  It is going God's way, and God's way is exponentially better than my way.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  Every day I wake up, it is the first day of the rest of my life.  And I am thankful for that today.  I am thankful and grateful and so incredibly blessed.

That isn't to say every day is rainbows and unicorns.  It isn't.  But it is how I choose to live my life today that makes it wonderful.

I still get scared and fear creeps back into my thoughts at times, but now I have the tools to be able to combat it.  Today I don't have to stay in my head.  Today I can help others so that I help myself.

Today I am making progress to become the mom I know my kids deserve, the wife my husband deserves and the person I deserve myself to be.  The person I know I can be, if I put enough work into it.

Today is a good day, a great day.

Today, I am blessed beyond measure.

And it is all thanks to God.

Fear

I have had a lot of fear creep up into my life recently.

Fear of the future, the unknown.

Fear that I am not doing enough to prepare my kids for their futures.

Fear that I am not doing enough to make my marriage work.

Fear that I am not enough.

Fear that my kids are going to make mistakes.

My fear has nothing to do with them.  My fear has everything to do with me and my relationship with God.

My fear is because I am not relying on God, and instead relying only on myself.

I can't do it.  I need help.  All I can do is what I can do.  Then I pray and turn it over to God.

I was irritable and discontent last night.  Grumpy.

There are too many I's in the words above.  Because it isn't about me doing things.  It is about me giving it over to God.

I can only lead by example.  I can plant the seed for my kids.  I can ask my husband for help.  I can pray for guidance and for His will to be done.

But I can't control what they do or choose.

I have to be willing to accept that.  To live with that.  To live life on life's terms.

It is okay if mistakes are made.  It is how we learn.

Today I need to work on being less neurotic.  And I know I am at times.  Less controlling.  Because when I start to feel out of control, I start grasping at everything I think I can control.

And that never ends well.

So I spend about an hour last night praying.  Just praying.  And trying to listen.  Asking for help and for the ability to give my life over.

Because some days all I can do is cry and beg God to take it from me.

I need help daily.  I just have to be willing to ask for it and accept it.

Reminders to Live in Today

I am not very good at being nice to myself.

I have unrealistic expectations of how I should handle life and where I should be at nearly 11 months sober in my recovery.

I have to remind myself it took me a lifetime to ask for help with my addiction.  Literally, a lifetime.

I also have to remind myself daily that my life today is far better than I ever expected my life to be in my whole life.  And I know it can only get better if I just relax, live one day at a time and do my best to do God's will and not my own.

I can't expect myself to break all the bad habits I had from my addiction in 11 months.  I am a work in progress.  One day at a time.  Little by little.  I just need to keep moving forward.

Sometimes I feel like I could be a better mom.

I feel like I could be more...I don't know if involved is the right word, but just something.  I feel like there is something missing when I look at other people and see what they do.  Or when I look at my kids and see how they are growing and how I feel like I should be more interactive with them.

It isn't as though I just let them go do whatever and don't talk or interact with them.  Not at all.  I am probably more in tune with what is going on than a lot of parents.  I am just not that parent that sits down and plays games with my kids.  And I guess the problem that I see is, I wish I was.  I could make more of an effort to be that person, but do my kids really care?

I feel like I have to be supermom.  This pressure isn't coming from anyone else but myself.

And this is where my unrealistic expectations of myself come in.

I am not supermom or superwoman.  As much as I wish I were, I'm not.  I can't.  I cannot be everything to everyone and still expect to keep sane and keep my sobriety.  What I can do is to know that I am enough.  I am doing enough, loving enough, being enough.

Could I do more?  Of course.  But what would the cost be?  I have to tell myself this so I will be kind to myself when I don't meet those expectations I see other people hitting.

I am doing a lot.  I am raising 3 children as my own who I only got 5 years ago.  I am raising a teenager who has a family history of ovarian cancer, alcohol and drug addiction and mental illness.  And I am trying to raise her to be aware that she is going to have to be careful when it comes to alcohol and drug use.  She is going to have to be careful because of the medications she takes for the pain and other medical issues she has to live with.  All of this while still giving her the freedom to make her own choices and mistakes.  While trying to empower her to know her self-worth.  To know her worth is not a number on a scale or what social media says is beautiful.  I know I need to loosen that leash, let her spread her wings, and I am, little by little.

I am raising a soon to be middle school boy who is going to be pressured to go out with girls and say and do things that are not acceptable for his age.  It has already started in 5th grade.  Not only that, but with his concentration issues and anger issues, we have other problems.  Together, daily, we say our morning prayers asking for God's guidance in doing His will and not our own.  We ask God to help us help other people and to be kind.  To not be self serving, selfish or self-centered.  We ask for this every day, together.  We say the Serenity Prayer and I let him know that is okay to make mistakes and no one is perfect and that I love him.  How do you teach a boy to be a young man in this day?  How do you teach him to respect the girls others are teasing?  How do you teach him to respect himself enough to treat others with the respect he wants to receive?

And the baby.  My 9 year old who will be in 4th grade.  I love this little girl something fierce.  And boy is she fierce.  So strong willed.  She is so kindhearted. She does come with her set of issues though.  We are working on concentration problems and listening for the answer when people talk to her.  And going to the bathroom when needed instead of ignoring it when involved with something else (tv, video games, legos, etc).  She takes part of the morning prayer ritual with my son.  And to teach her her self worth?  To not doubt her instincts?

We want to raise our children to be strong and independent, but yet to rely on God.  And to know their family will ALWAYS be there for them.  Regardless of anything.  And I always wonder, am I doing enough?  Could I be doing more?  Are the examples I am setting enough?

My children are wonderful children.  We have all changed so much in these past 11 months.  There isn't the tension that used to be in the house, everyone waiting for the next bad thing to happen.  The yelling has nearly ceased.  My husband and I have a relationship I never thought could or would exist.  My kids are happy.  As happy as a tween and teenager can be, I guess.

I have a wonderful family who supports me in my recovery, a job with co-workers and a Pastor who pushed me to AA to get help and 2 vehicles that run and get us to where we need to go.  I have a house and a cat.  I have clothes and everything we need to live.  We have minimal debt, student loans not included, and I get to go back to school and have it paid for.  My husband finally found a job he loves as well as a new church he likes to attend.  We are blessed.  Truly blessed.  I know none of this would have happened if I wouldn't have asked for help.  I know it wouldn't have happened if I never asked God to take control.  I know this, and still I expect more from myself.

And still, even though I wear a bracelet to remind me, I feel like I am not enough.  I feel like I am not doing enough.

Today I am alive, I told my kids I love them and I got to take them to school.  Today I am sober and thanked God for my family, my life and my recovery.  Today, I have everything I need.

Today.  Today I need to realize I am enough.  I am beautiful and funny and kind.  I do my best to do God's will each day.  I do my best to be a living example of what AA, sobriety and God can do for someone.

Today I am living for today.  One day, hour, minute, second, at a time.

The More I Try

I can't control things.  My kids' choices.

When I try to control things they get out of hand, I get frustrated and disgruntled and resentful.

I want to control situations that arise, but I can't.

I know I cannot keep my kids safe all the time.

I know they have to make their own choices and mistakes.  I know I can be there to lift them back up, but they will have to fall.

I know all this.  But I don't want it to happen.

As a mom, as a parent, at least for me, I want my kids to succeed.  I want my kids to be able to learn from my mistakes.

But I know they won't.  I know that is a dream and not reality.

So here is my problem.

Is it okay to still think about it?  Is it okay to want something but ultimately know that the only one in control is God?

I can want something but know that my want is so much smaller than God's will, so ultimately, my want is wasted energy.  Right?

Am I anywhere near the right path?

I can hope my kids make good decisions, and as long as I don't have expectations of the end result and I know and pray and give it to God, His will will be done.

The choices I make and my kids make will mold them into the people they are to become.  I have to make sure my heart is open to God's word and will.

I just want my kids to be okay.  I want better for them than what I did, the choices I made.

So I pray for them.  I pray they make good choices and they listen for God to guide them.  I pray for their safety.

And I pray that God gives me the strength to be the best mom I can be.  The best sober mom I can be.

Because being a mom is hard.

And I pray for me to be nice to myself.  I am my own biggest critic.



i am enough bracelet