The More I Try

I can't control things.  My kids' choices.

When I try to control things they get out of hand, I get frustrated and disgruntled and resentful.

I want to control situations that arise, but I can't.

I know I cannot keep my kids safe all the time.

I know they have to make their own choices and mistakes.  I know I can be there to lift them back up, but they will have to fall.

I know all this.  But I don't want it to happen.

As a mom, as a parent, at least for me, I want my kids to succeed.  I want my kids to be able to learn from my mistakes.

But I know they won't.  I know that is a dream and not reality.

So here is my problem.

Is it okay to still think about it?  Is it okay to want something but ultimately know that the only one in control is God?

I can want something but know that my want is so much smaller than God's will, so ultimately, my want is wasted energy.  Right?

Am I anywhere near the right path?

I can hope my kids make good decisions, and as long as I don't have expectations of the end result and I know and pray and give it to God, His will will be done.

The choices I make and my kids make will mold them into the people they are to become.  I have to make sure my heart is open to God's word and will.

I just want my kids to be okay.  I want better for them than what I did, the choices I made.

So I pray for them.  I pray they make good choices and they listen for God to guide them.  I pray for their safety.

And I pray that God gives me the strength to be the best mom I can be.  The best sober mom I can be.

Because being a mom is hard.

And I pray for me to be nice to myself.  I am my own biggest critic.



i am enough bracelet

Things are great until...

Life is going great.

I was accepted to college to get a second bachelor's degree.  There is a program that will help me pay for my schooling.  We have 2 cars that run.  My husband just got an awesome career opportunity.

My kids are minding and doing better in school (for the most part).  The yelling has nearly stopped.

I'm working my steps and trying to be the best person I can be.

But I am putting so much pressure on myself to do that.  To be that person.  I'm trying to control me being that great person that relies only on God, and when I do that, I don't rely on God.  I don't give it all to him.

I know God will keep my family safe and will provide for us.  I know people are given free will and we have to use it appropriately.  I know my kids are going to make mistakes.  I know we are not perfect.  I am not perfect.

I have to stop having expectations.  I am so scared of losing everything God has given me I'm not trust Him to keep me safe.  I'm trying to cling and claw and hold on to something that was never taken away from me.  There is no reason for me to feel this way.  Other than before in my drinking I would always lose it because of poor decisions.

So I need to work on not worrying.  On letting go.  On not expecting a certain outcome.  I need to work on breathing and letting my kids make mistakes and me no flying off the handle.

I know I am not perfect and I am going to make mistakes.  I'm human.  I'm not supermom.  As much as I want to be perfect and be supermom, I'm not.  And I have to let my kids know I make mistakes so they know they can make mistakes.

I have to show them how to live by example.  I have to show them how to be a responsible person and how to make good choices and rely on God.

I have to listen for God to tell me when and how to do this.  I have to ask for His will, not mine, be done.

And then I have to listen for His will.  No matter what.

Because my sobriety and family depend on it.