I have unrealistic expectations of how I should handle life and where I should be at nearly 11 months sober in my recovery.
I have to remind myself it took me a lifetime to ask for help with my addiction. Literally, a lifetime.
I also have to remind myself daily that my life today is far better than I ever expected my life to be in my whole life. And I know it can only get better if I just relax, live one day at a time and do my best to do God's will and not my own.
I can't expect myself to break all the bad habits I had from my addiction in 11 months. I am a work in progress. One day at a time. Little by little. I just need to keep moving forward.
Sometimes I feel like I could be a better mom.
I feel like I could be more...I don't know if involved is the right word, but just something. I feel like there is something missing when I look at other people and see what they do. Or when I look at my kids and see how they are growing and how I feel like I should be more interactive with them.
It isn't as though I just let them go do whatever and don't talk or interact with them. Not at all. I am probably more in tune with what is going on than a lot of parents. I am just not that parent that sits down and plays games with my kids. And I guess the problem that I see is, I wish I was. I could make more of an effort to be that person, but do my kids really care?
I feel like I have to be supermom. This pressure isn't coming from anyone else but myself.
And this is where my unrealistic expectations of myself come in.
I am not supermom or superwoman. As much as I wish I were, I'm not. I can't. I cannot be everything to everyone and still expect to keep sane and keep my sobriety. What I can do is to know that I am enough. I am doing enough, loving enough, being enough.
Could I do more? Of course. But what would the cost be? I have to tell myself this so I will be kind to myself when I don't meet those expectations I see other people hitting.
I am doing a lot. I am raising 3 children as my own who I only got 5 years ago. I am raising a teenager who has a family history of ovarian cancer, alcohol and drug addiction and mental illness. And I am trying to raise her to be aware that she is going to have to be careful when it comes to alcohol and drug use. She is going to have to be careful because of the medications she takes for the pain and other medical issues she has to live with. All of this while still giving her the freedom to make her own choices and mistakes. While trying to empower her to know her self-worth. To know her worth is not a number on a scale or what social media says is beautiful. I know I need to loosen that leash, let her spread her wings, and I am, little by little.
I am raising a soon to be middle school boy who is going to be pressured to go out with girls and say and do things that are not acceptable for his age. It has already started in 5th grade. Not only that, but with his concentration issues and anger issues, we have other problems. Together, daily, we say our morning prayers asking for God's guidance in doing His will and not our own. We ask God to help us help other people and to be kind. To not be self serving, selfish or self-centered. We ask for this every day, together. We say the Serenity Prayer and I let him know that is okay to make mistakes and no one is perfect and that I love him. How do you teach a boy to be a young man in this day? How do you teach him to respect the girls others are teasing? How do you teach him to respect himself enough to treat others with the respect he wants to receive?
And the baby. My 9 year old who will be in 4th grade. I love this little girl something fierce. And boy is she fierce. So strong willed. She is so kindhearted. She does come with her set of issues though. We are working on concentration problems and listening for the answer when people talk to her. And going to the bathroom when needed instead of ignoring it when involved with something else (tv, video games, legos, etc). She takes part of the morning prayer ritual with my son. And to teach her her self worth? To not doubt her instincts?
We want to raise our children to be strong and independent, but yet to rely on God. And to know their family will ALWAYS be there for them. Regardless of anything. And I always wonder, am I doing enough? Could I be doing more? Are the examples I am setting enough?
My children are wonderful children. We have all changed so much in these past 11 months. There isn't the tension that used to be in the house, everyone waiting for the next bad thing to happen. The yelling has nearly ceased. My husband and I have a relationship I never thought could or would exist. My kids are happy. As happy as a tween and teenager can be, I guess.
I have a wonderful family who supports me in my recovery, a job with co-workers and a Pastor who pushed me to AA to get help and 2 vehicles that run and get us to where we need to go. I have a house and a cat. I have clothes and everything we need to live. We have minimal debt, student loans not included, and I get to go back to school and have it paid for. My husband finally found a job he loves as well as a new church he likes to attend. We are blessed. Truly blessed. I know none of this would have happened if I wouldn't have asked for help. I know it wouldn't have happened if I never asked God to take control. I know this, and still I expect more from myself.
And still, even though I wear a bracelet to remind me, I feel like I am not enough. I feel like I am not doing enough.
Today I am alive, I told my kids I love them and I got to take them to school. Today I am sober and thanked God for my family, my life and my recovery. Today, I have everything I need.
Today. Today I need to realize I am enough. I am beautiful and funny and kind. I do my best to do God's will each day. I do my best to be a living example of what AA, sobriety and God can do for someone.
Today I am living for today. One day, hour, minute, second, at a time.
