Did you know relapse is possible and you don't even have to use? I am so thankful I didn't choose to use alcohol to deal with the problems I allowed to creep up. I felt like I relapsed. And in a way, I did. I went back to old behaviors to make myself feel better, to feel worthy. To feel valued and appreciated. And in doing that, in trying to make myself feel better, I nearly ruined my family. Alcohol is but a symptom of this disease. If I don't stay in my program, I can absolutely fuck shit up.
I am so thankful for a husband who is able to forgive, for kids who know I'm doing my best.
I let up on my spiritual fitness. I allowed ego and resentments to come to the front. I stopped praying and chose to skip meetings because I didn't want to go. My kids will be the first to tell me, that's when I need to go.
This is a thinking disease. I thought I deserved more. I deserved better.
As much as this past month scared me, I am thankful it happened. If it didn't, I would still be running on self-help. I wouldn't have the appreciation for my God, my husband and my family that I have. So I am thankful and appreciative that I was able to see my part, after talking with several friends in the program.
It was scary. And I still have fear. Fear that I'll lose my husband and kids. Fear will make you do some crazy shit. Because if I lose my husband, I lose my kids. And that isn't to say one is more important than the other, at all. But I stand the chance to lose it all if I don't make God and my program number 1 and 2 in my life.
