Heartbroken

I am working on my 8th/9th steps.  Making my list of amends to make and then making those amends.

There is one amend (amends?) I really need to make.  For my own sanity.  So I know that I have done everything I can do, now, to try to mend a relationship.

I've said really hurtful things to this particular person, while I was drinking.  Because I felt it needed to be said.

I cannot take the words back.  Ever.  They won't be forgotten.  They will be forever etched into this person's mind.  Deep.

You don't realize how bad words hurt until you are sober.  At least, that is how it is for me.

Until you are dead to them and you aren't even told of life events you should have been a part of if things were different.  If you hadn't been so selfish and hateful.  I am heartbroken because, in the end, I did this to myself.

To know that I'm sorry isn't enough.

I want this person to know I am trying.  I am changing who I am today from who I was, even yesterday.

I never want to be that vindictive, angry, unforgiving person ever again.

Being an alcoholic isn't an excuse, but it is a reason.  I'm sick.  My brain is sick.  My soul is sick.  My brain doesn't think or work the same way as other's.  It doesn't give me a free pass to say the things I did.  I didn't have the tools to make myself better during those years.  I wasn't ready to look for those tools and ask for help in making myself better.  Because I couldn't and can't do it alone.  I was/am sick.  Only God can help bring me back to sanity and I had to give my whole self to Him.  So that I do His will, not my own.  He has to take away my defaults of character.  He has to forgive me so that I can forgive myself.

Because the first step to having anyone else forgive me and moving on, is asking for help and forgiving myself.

I'm ready to forgive myself.  So that I can be a better person for everyone else and do God's will.

I'm sorry.