The Benefits of Living Sober

I can't just "be" sober.  I have to "live" sober.  It is a way of life.  A choice.  

I am living a life I am proud to live.   A life I want to share with everyone.  I have a spirituality I want everyone to experience.  A peace and calm I never thought possible.

I worked hard to have it.  I work hard to keep it.  It doesn't just come.  You have to work for it.

I'm losing weight.  Slowly but surely.

I can tell not because I weigh myself, but because the fat I have on me is becoming softer.

Softer?  Squishier?  Saggier?  Not as firm.

I am embracing it.  Because I know it means there are changes happening.  Changes that I am helping to make because of choices I have decided to make.

I am able to control my outbursts more often now.

I am able to notice when I am being unfair to my children, most of the time.

I still questions my ability to parent daily.  How much am I screwing my kids up?  Will they ever forgive me for not knowing how to parent?  Am I a good parent?  

My kids know about my alcoholism and have been with me every step of the way on my journey to live sober.  It isn't just my journey though.  It is our journey.

They didn't know how to live with a mom who didn't drink and I didn't know how to be a mom without drinking.  We are all learning, but we are all, for the most part, happy.  Happier.  More content.

6 Months Sober - makes me think of this song

Methamphetamine - by Everclear

She came out west
To find the sun
She lost her name
But found a new one
Amy goes to school all day
But at night in the neighborhood
They call her Amphetamine

She is perfect in that fucked up way
That all the magazines
Seem to want to glorify these days

She looks like a teenage anthem
She looks like she used to be happy with
The girl inside

She looks so bored sometimes
She has that super pale skin
And those soft green eyes
She looks like she could have been happy
In a better life

She came out west
Just to break away clean
From her family and friends
And a little girl's dream
All she wants to do every night
Is to sit beside my window
And listen to the sirens

She is perfect in that fucked up way
That all the magazines
Seem to want to glorify these days

She looks like a teenage anthem
She looks like she could have been happy
In another life
In another life

She came out west
Just to break the spell
After three long years
In a marriage from hell
Six months clean
Living sober and right
The doctors tell her
Everything will be alright

Yeah, you just take your pill
And everything will be alright

She looks like a teenage anthem
She looks like a magazine girl
She looks like a teenage anthem
Like she used to be happy
In another world

She looks like a teenage anthem
She is happy with the girl inside
She looks like a teenage anthem
And looks like she could have been
Happy in another life

In another life
Happy in another life

I met her at a party and I took her home
She is the saddest girl that I have ever known
Yeah she wakes me up in the middle of the night
Just to tell me everything will be allright
Amy smiles at me tells me everything will be allright
Yeah, Amy smiles at me tells me everything will be allright
Yeah I tell myself the same damn thing everyday
ooooh everything will be allright

Discontent, perfection, resentment

For the past couple of weeks I've been letting my praying slip.  I think about it and then do something else.

This causes me to try to do my will instead of God's.

Big mistake.

I feel cold and discontent.  I'm angry and can't relax.

Last night I couldn't sleep.  It was after 2am and my body wouldn't relax.  I just felt like hitting things and scratching my arms and eyes out.

I started to think of why.

Then I realized, I needed to physically get on my knees and pray.  So I did.

I prayed and prayed.

I think I need an alarm to remind me to pray.  Because I don't want to feel that way any more.  I don't want to get angry at my kids for stupid stuff.  I don't want to lose my patience so quickly.

I need to make sure I pray.