I Thought I Was Safe There

I went to church yesterday.  I hadn't been in months.  I'd probably only been once since I stopped drinking.

At church, we serve wine during communion.  We also have a non-alcoholic wine.  The non-alcoholic wine is in the middle ring of the tray.

The middle ring was empty yesterday.

Empty.

All that was there was alcoholic wine.

I froze.  I took the cup because I had to. But I panicked.  I had no idea what to do.  Because I knew if I drank even that little bit, I was going to be in trouble.

Even that little bit.

When we were dismissed from the altar, I went to the Sacristy and put it on the counter.  Went to the bathroom and cried.

I couldn't handle it.  I did handle it.  But I felt this rush of panic. 

I didn't drink it.  I am okay.

But I am going to make sure there is non-alcoholic wine from now on.

I thought I was supposed to be safe at church.