Alcohol –
We have had a tumultuous
relationship. A love/hate
relationship. A relationship built on
nothing but good feelings in the beginning and hurt, resentment and fear at the
end. I think it is time we officially
end our relationship. I can’t have you
in my life when all you want to do is hurt me and my family.
I remember when we first
met. I remember that first time I drank
you until I was drunk. I remember how
wonderful I felt. How light. I was able to talk to people and feel
comfortable. I was 20. I knew everything and nothing at the same
time. I knew you were going to be good
and bad for me. I knew I loved what you
did for me.
As a child, you were the
forbidden friend, something for me to look forward to when I got older, which
made you all the more appealing. But I
didn’t touch you until I was nearly “old enough”. I was that good girl, the girl who hated the
taste of you and knew the rules. Because
once I was old enough, all bets were off, right? Once I was old enough, it was okay. I would learn to love you and rely on you.
I don’t know if you know
this, Alcohol, but I didn’t like myself very much. I didn’t think I deserved to be loved or
needed. When I used you, though, I
thought I loved myself. I thought you
loved me. I thought I was fun to be
around. I could stand being around
myself and in my own head. So our
relationship started. 1 month before I
turned 21, before it was legal, I used you.
I drank you and I was
happy. I drank a lot of you. I got up the next day and thought everything
was great. I didn’t drink you again
until my 21st birthday. On my
21st birthday you really laid into me. You showed me what you could do. I thought I could take it, I kept asking for
more, and more you gave me. I was so
hung over the next day I felt it for 2 days.
I should have known you
weren’t good for me then. I should have
stopped hanging out with you when I knew you didn’t do good in the end. But I didn’t stop. I drank you and used you so much in the next
6 months. You and I were buds. Even before class. I just needed to take that edge off. You could do that for me. I let you do that for me.
I wised up after those 6
months. I stopped using you for several
years. I don’t know if really wised up,
because I gave you up for a boy. I gave
up my addiction to you for an addiction to him.
Both addictions were bad for me.
You were both addictions and obsessions.
Each of you slowly driving me to my breaking point.
Then I was alone. I started off slowly letting you back into my
life. I slowly let you put your hooks in
me, because when I was with you, it felt okay to be in my own skin. I didn’t feel so lonely. I felt like I was actually worth something.
I drank you off and on for a
couple of years and then gave you up again when I needed to lose weight, another
obsession. I have always traded you out
for a different obsession. We talked about
this in a meeting. You know those
meetings I go to so I don’t ever have to use you again? Yeah, those.
I traded you out. You still had
your hooks in me though, a little deeper than the time before. I knew that when I drank you, used you, I could
be someone I wasn’t. Someone I liked to
be. Someone I could feel more
comfortable with.
I used you. I used you because I hated myself. I used you because I had no idea how to deal
with my emotions, and you helped me numb them when they overwhelmed me. I used you and you didn’t mind. You just dug your claws in deeper, making
sure I thought I needed you.
I allowed you to take over my
life. You are all I thought about at the
end. How was I going to afford to buy
you and when could I get to the store to pick you up. I thought about you all day. Which store was I going to go to today. Did my kids really need that thing for school
or could I use that money on you? I put
you above my marriage, my kids and God.
I put you above my health. I knew
I needed to find help from someone other than myself to quit you when I thought
about drinking at work. Who would miss
the communion wine? That overly sweet
wine not meant to drink more than a small glass at a time. I knew then just how bad my obsession had
become when I was thinking of doing this. But I didn't do it. Sure I knew I wasn’t able to
quit you all those other times I tried.
But it was okay because I was just drinking at home. I wasn’t hurting anyone but myself, or so I thought.
But after all of my attempts to quit you on my own and my failure at
doing it, coupled with my new thoughts of drinking at work, I knew there had to
be something bigger than me and I needed it to get me to quit you. I needed something, I just didn’t realize it
was God.
I thought you helped me. And maybe you did when all is said and done. Maybe you and I were this close so I could
finally realize that I didn’t need you.
So I could appreciate the life God had given me. A life that I didn’t deserve or felt I didn’t
deserve. Because of my obsession with
you, I put my marriage and kids on the back burner. My obsession with you made me selfish,
self-loathing and self-centered. I was
scared and angry and fearful. In the end, when you
were in me, I became a person I hated more than I hated when I had to feel
emotions. I hated the mom I was and the
wife I had become. I hated that I was
drunk when I married my husband and that all I could think about was the next
time you and I would get together. I
hate I let you take so many years from me.
I hate that I didn’t see it sooner.
I hate that I had become my mom.
I hate that I can never take back the horrible words I said and the
things I did.
But I am so thankful. I am thankful I experienced all of this hate
towards you and my obsession with you.
Because had I not, I would not and could not appreciate the life I have
today without you.
I am not longer obsessed with
you. Today I am obsessed with staying
sober and being the best mom, wife, and believer I can possibly be. Today I don’t need you. Today your claws are no longer even touching
my skin. But I know that can change at
any time. I know you are sitting back,
sharpening, maybe this time with a hook on the end so you can get that final
dig in. So the next time I won’t be able
to shake you. But I don’t want there to
be a next time. I don’t want you to be
able to utilize those claws.
Today I am happy and have a
relationship with God I never knew possible.
Today I don’t have to drink or use you.
Today you are part of my past. A
past I will never forget, nor do I want to forget. Today our relationship is over. Today I have a relationship with my husband
and I can actually start to imagine a future with him. Today I can start to see an outline of my
kids getting older. Today I talk to my
sister on a daily basis and my parents don’t worry about my safety. Today I am the family they always wanted and
I have the family I had always imagined.
Today I am happy and sober
and blessed. And thankful. So thankful.
I am thankful to have been obsessed with you. Without that obsession I would never have
realized and learned how to be happy and rely on God.
Today I don’t need you.
So I tell you this,
Alcohol. I will never forget what you
did for me, the positive or the negative.
But I don’t need you any longer.
I have our memories and our memories are enough to make me stay away
from you, today.
Good bye, Alcohol. Don’t ever come back. There is nothing left for you here. I have nothing for you. As much fun as you were, I never want to
become the person I was and the end of our relationship. Those dark days are something of the past I
will always remember, so I can keep you away.
Sincerely,
Mandy
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