Being a mom is hard enough. Being a mom struggling with addiction is tough. Being a mom learning to come to grips with what you did in your addiction while you recover is a test.
I didn't choose addiction. I didn't know how to live life like normal people. I didn't know how to live life on life's terms. I didn't know how to deal with the feelings and disappointment and rage. I didn't know how to ask for help and I didn't want to be out of control. I felt inadequate and like I was a failure because I couldn't control my life. I couldn't control my life from the beginning.
In my 20s when I was drinking, I thought it was just for fun. Then it became a habit. It was what I did 2-3 nights a week. It "helped" me sleep, even thought that sleep wasn't a restful sleep. As I continued to drink more and more I continued to start to hate my life more and more.
Then I met my husband in March of 2010. In April of 2010 he proposed (we were both sober) and got married on stage at a show put on by Stephan Egerton from All and The Descendants. I was drunk. He wasn't sober. I don't regret marrying my husband, but I wish I would have been sober and I would have waited.
Or maybe that was God's plan.
Anyhow, we were married, or so we thought. Turns out we were not LEGALLY married. Our minister was licensed in Kansas, not Oklahoma. We were in Oklahoma. I was both relieved and scared. I was scared because I had already told everyone I was married. My parents were already hurt by my actions. I was the oldest and the first to get married and I took this from them. All because I was only thinking of myself. I have forgiven myself for this as have they, but I can't forget it. I eventually told my parents and they planned and paid for a wonderful wedding 5 months later that was indeed legal. It was beautiful. I was still selfish.
This background information is important because it shows I wasn't ready to be a mom. Certainly not a mom to 3 kids who had just gone through their biological mom passing away 5 months earlier. These kids were 12, 5 and 4. Instant family. This instant family was dragged into my tornado of a life.
I wasn't in the best place to be a mom. I was selfish and self-centered. I hadn't yet hit my bottom though. I was still drinking maybe 2-3 times a week, mainly on weekends. So it wasn't that bad, I thought.
Being their mom made my inability to accept that I am not perfect rage. I felt I was failing my kids because they weren't doing what I wanted them to do. It was all about me. What I wanted, what others thought when they saw me with the kids, how they were behaving the impression they were giving. I wasn't letting them just be kids. I was imposing my perfectionism on them.
My addiction was selfish and harming, not just to me, but to my whole family. As a woman in the traditional family roles, it was my job to take care of the kids and house. Keep in mind I was 29. I had lived on my own for several years. Yes, I chose to marry my husband and become an instant mom, however my addiction wouldn't let me enjoy that time and the choices I had made.
I was horrible to be around. My inability to cope with every day life led me to drink more and more. The kids were acting up, I drank. They did well in school, I drank. They told me they loved me, I drank. The teenager was caught trying to pierce her nose in the school bathroom before school, I drank a lot. Then the drinking became nearly daily. I wasn't dealing with life, I was hiding from life and pushing everyone away from me. I didn't want to go to school functions because I wanted to drink. I didn't want them to do extracurriculars because I wanted to be able to drink and it would take money away from me.
Now that I am sober, I can see all this. Now that I am in recovery I look back and see just how messed up my thinking was, and can still be. Alcohol and drugs don't cause people to behave this way. This is the way certain people are, amplified. I couldn't stand myself any longer. I hated myself. Because I hated myself and hated my life, a life I chose, I started to resent my children. These children who had already lost one mom. These children who didn't ask for me to be in their life. I loved these children with my whole heart, I just couldn't bear the fact that I was letting them down. I knew I was letting them down with my continual drinking, but I couldnt' stop drinking. I physically and emotionally had no idea how to handle life, so I drank.
Today, when I think back on how I treated everyone, I cringe. I cringe because I hated who I had become so much, I took it out on everyone who loved and cared for me. I took away my kids' ability to have a new mom. I still took care of them, just not how they deserved. I was angry and volatile and emotional. They never new what was going to happen next, what kind of mood I was going to be in today.
Being a mom in recovery is hard. It is hard, but easy. I dont' know if that makes any sense. It is hard because, as women, we judge ourselves so harshly on how we are doing as a mom and spouse. We judge each other on the choices we make for our children. Are we raising them to be the best they can be? Can we ever forgive ourselves, as addicts, for what we put our children through? For the resentments they didn't deserve? Moms already have it hard enough, and that isn't to give credit to those dads who are the primary caregiver. I am talking about the traditional nuclear family with stereotypical roles. My husband had no idea how much I was drinking. I was that mom. We were that family. Secrets upon secrets and lies upon lies.
I hated my life and had to learn to accept it and love it. I didn't hate my life because of the people in it, I hated it because I had no idea just how great it could and would be. I hated myself because I felt I deserved the bad things that had happened to me and I didn't know how to love myself. I didn't feel I deserved loved.
Today I live life on life's terms. Today I pray and ask for guidance. Today I know it is okay to not be perfect and I don't expect it. Today my kids are happy. As happy as kids can be. My kids have responsibilities and get love every single day. My kids know I go to meetings to stay sober so I never become that mom again.
I don't know if I would have been able to get sober if I were not married. I don't know if I would have chosen to get sober. I didn't have a reason to. It was just me and my cats and my booze. So, when I say it is hard and easy, I know I am sober today not only because of my Higher Power who I choose to call God, but because of my family, my husband and kids and my parents and siblings. Mainly my kids. I couldn't let them see me that way any longer. I didn't want to be that mom any longer. I didn't like who I had turned into and it was either change and get help or kill myself. And believe me, I thought about it, but those kids kept me here. As much stuff as I put them though, they are the reason I got sober.
Our life isn't rainbows and unicorns, but it is our life. A sober and recovering life. They get counseling and we are all very open about what has happened in the past. I have made my amends to them, which I will continue to do by living a sober life in recovery. I give freely now. Alcohol is no longer a priority. I now have tools to be the best mom I can possibly be to them. I have the tools I need to live life on life's terms.
I may not be a perfect mom, but I am being the best mom I know how to be. I am doing all I can to show my kids loves and kindness and forgiveness. And most of all, I am showing them they are worth it, that people can change if they really want to.
My son was asked at school what he was thankful for and he told the school counselor, "Well, my real mom died when I was 5, so I am thankful for Mandy being my mom." Today, in recovery, I can appreciate this and know I am doing the best job as a mom possible. And my kids appreciate it.
Today, I love being a mom.
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