My sponsor says that since i've worked the first 11 steps I am now ready to take this message to other alcoholics. Step 12.
Took the steps to those who need it. I become the voice to help others. Me.
Of course I have doubts. Who doesn't have doubts? I know I can do it. I know I will do it. It just seems as though I don't totally have a hold on my life, how can I try to help others.
But helping others is what keeps us sober. It keeps us from becoming too involved in our own heads.
Today I was having one of those issues.
My kids. I love them. Oh who I love them. I chose to be their mom. I don't have to be their mom. I didn't give birth to them. I didn't adopt them. I am raising them. Because I love them. Because I love their dad. Because even though through all of my drunkeness, I knew I was put in their lives for a reason. Now I can start to appreciate it.
Today has been hard though. I have been irritable. So irriatable. I have no idea why. I've prayed. I'll go to a meeting tonight. I just contacted or attempted to contact another alcoholic. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. I don't want to drink. I'm not lonely or hungry. I am just irritable.
My kids have been being kids. And I've been getting frustrated with them. So I'm frustrated with myself for getting frustrated with them for being kids. And I see myself getting frustrated with them. I see myself growing more irritable, like I am looking down on myself from above, and I am telling myself to stop, but I can't seem to shake it.
It is control. I can't be in control. I am not in control. I have to breathe. Relax. Pray.
It isn't the end of the world if they are irritating me.
They are kids. I'm going to miss this one day.
But just for today, I'd like for them to be calm. Or at least more calm. I'd like to able to tell them to do something with out getting lip back. Or to say, hey there is snow on the ground and it is freezing outside (literally), you need to put on something warmer, and not hear I'm wrong and it is in all actuality warm out. Apparently 30 degrees Farenheit is warm now. I know I should just let it go.
Sobriety has given me the ablity to see this in myself. Sobriety and my 12 step program have given me the tools I need to deal with life without alcohol. Without self pity and self loathing. It has given me the freedom to be okay with not having control and to know that I am not in control. It has given me a peace of mind so great that I can say with complete gladness, I don't need to be in control. Because my higher power is in control.
It takes that stress off of me. Of being perfect. Of expecting perfection in others.
I'm going to go hug my kids now.
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