Coming Up On 2 Weeks

This sober stuff is hard.  HARD.

There are so many times when I am in tears because I want a drink.  I want to just go to the store and grab a bottle.  I almost did yesterday and again today.

Almost.

I wanted to so bad.

But then I messaged my sponsor.  She told me a section to read in the Big Book and I did.

But I still wanted to drink.  Just one drink.  Or maybe a few.  Just to take the edge off.  But then, when would the edge ever leave, if I had one just to take the edge off?

My teenager, she's 16, was asking me about AA and not drinking and what we talk about and such.  I was telling her about it and she said, "I can't believe Daddy could never tell when you were drinking.  I could.  I knew what to look for."

That made me feel like crap.  It also made me realize I won't be able to hide it from her if I did choose to drink again.  Because that is what being an alcoholic for me was.  Hiding it.  I hid the bottles.  I hid the my drunkenness.  No one could tell when I was drunk.  Except her.

I owe it to myself and these kids to stay sober.

But I want that drink.  It is so hard to sleep.  Unless it is during the day.  It is so hard to go out of the house, unless it is Sunday or after 9pm, when the liquor stores are closed, unless I have family with me.

I was going to a meeting tonight because sitting at home feeling sorry for myself wanting to drink wasn't working.  So I'm changing and getting my shoes on when the wee one asks if she can go with.  I told her I was going to a meeting, she's 8 and understands I am working on not drinking.  She said yes.  I said, do you know what kind of meeting?  She responds, the one that talks about not drinking.  I told her yes, and if you want to go, you have to be quiet and still.  She said okay, that she really wants me to not drink anymore.

It breaks my heart.  It breaks my heart even more that I am so selfish to still want a drink when she says that.

I have to give all of my wants and desires and pain over to God.  I have to give Him all my pain and troubles and concerns.  I have to let go and realize I cannot do this alone.  But that human part of me, that selfish and narcassistic part of me won't let me give it all away.  That type A part of me that feels I have to be in control, when I know I am not.  If I were in control, I wouldn't be here.  If I were in control, I wouldn't be the one crying because I want alcohol.  ALCOHOL.  Really?

But there is that voice in my head.  The devil.  The disease.  The illness.  The sickness.  And I know I cannot do it alone.

I cannot do this alone.

Freedom

Yesterday was a bit difficult for me.  I started to get the itch.  It was my 1 week sobriety-versary.  1 week.  I have no idea when my last total week sober was.

No idea.

But the really awesome things I have realized are as follows:

• I am saving approximately 2,000 calories a day.  A DAY!  I never realized how many calories I was drinking nearly every night.  2000!  

• If I spent an average of $15 for every night I drank, and I drank 3-5 times a week, that is an average of $45-75 a week.  Which is $180-300 a month.  
• Because I was already feeling crappy nearly every day, when I ate fast food, I didn't notice it was making me feel gross.  I had a breakfast burrito this morning and feel like crap.  I don't want to put that in my body any longer.

One day at a time.  Thank you Lord for giving me the strength to get through this day.  Thank you for giving me the clarity to know it was time to change.  Thank you for letting me put it all on you.

Reflections.

In meetings, we are going over several different things.  There are topics on forgiveness and learning to live in serenity.  I have to let go of the past to be able to be happy now.

Resentment.  Resentment is huge for me.  So is letting God take over everything for me.  As a human, I feel I can do it.  But I can't.  My way got me to where I am now.  I need to try someone else's way.  That way is through the steps and God.

I cannot change my past.  I can learn from it, forgive myself and others and make better choices in the present so my future is bright and sober and happy.

So I am going to work very hard on letting go of my resentment towards my biological mom for the drugs and alcohol use she opened showed me.  I am going to work very hard on my resentment towards my step-father for the drug use, of which I had become accustomed.  I will work very hard on my resentment towards my uncle for sexually abusing/raping/molesting me for the numerous years it happened.  I will work on my resentment towards my dad and his side of the family for not pressing charges against said uncle, and allowing him back to family functions, where I and other girls were in attendance, once I turned 18.  Can you imagine.  Having to see your molestor.

Here is the problem.  In those statements, I am the victim.  But I cannot be a victim any longer.  I can't.  I won't.  It isn't healthy.  I have to forgive.  I have to give it all over to God.  If I want to live a safe, happy, sober life, I have to give it all over to Him.

I know I am powerless over alcohol.  I understand I cannot to this on my own.  I know I need help.

These are the original twelve steps as published by Alcoholics Anonymous:^[10]

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

These first 4 steps...I am excited.  I am ready.  I want to be different.  I want to be healthy.  

I cannot let myself turn into my biological mom.  Because that is what was happening.  I resented her for what she had become, but I was becoming her.  It is no wonder I hated myself.  I just didn't realize, until everything cleared, why I was so unhappy.

With the help and grace of God, the support of my family and friends and working the program, we got this!

Third AA Meeting

I just had my third AA meeting.  AA.  Alcoholics Anonymous.  Me.

I cried through my first meeting.  I was so scared.  More than that, I was exhausted.  Tired of hiding everything.  I hid my alcohol.  I hid my hangover.  I hid my lies.  I hid my shame.  I hid me.

So I cried.  I cried and it felt good.  It felt amazing to hear people talk about things I thought only I felt.  I was no longer alone.

My second meeting was great.  I was looking forward to it so much.  I also met my sponsor there.  Apparently lots of people take a while to get a sponsor.  I've never been one to wait around.  I spoke during my second meeting.  Just a big.  A very abridged version.  Extremely.  Like, 5 minutes of my life.  However, it felt good.  it felt right.

I haven't had a drink since the 16th of June.  The 19th was my first meeting.  I skipped Saturday.

I have been thinking.  A lot.  A lot, a lot.  I have come to realize I was turning into someone I didn't like.   I was turning into someone I had never forgiven.

My mom.  My biological mom.

Now I am ready to work on that.  I want to work on me.  On my sobriety.  My family.  I want to love me.  I want to be serene.  I want to feel serenity.

I will have it.

One day at a time....