Reflections.

In meetings, we are going over several different things.  There are topics on forgiveness and learning to live in serenity.  I have to let go of the past to be able to be happy now.

Resentment.  Resentment is huge for me.  So is letting God take over everything for me.  As a human, I feel I can do it.  But I can't.  My way got me to where I am now.  I need to try someone else's way.  That way is through the steps and God.

I cannot change my past.  I can learn from it, forgive myself and others and make better choices in the present so my future is bright and sober and happy.

So I am going to work very hard on letting go of my resentment towards my biological mom for the drugs and alcohol use she opened showed me.  I am going to work very hard on my resentment towards my step-father for the drug use, of which I had become accustomed.  I will work very hard on my resentment towards my uncle for sexually abusing/raping/molesting me for the numerous years it happened.  I will work on my resentment towards my dad and his side of the family for not pressing charges against said uncle, and allowing him back to family functions, where I and other girls were in attendance, once I turned 18.  Can you imagine.  Having to see your molestor.

Here is the problem.  In those statements, I am the victim.  But I cannot be a victim any longer.  I can't.  I won't.  It isn't healthy.  I have to forgive.  I have to give it all over to God.  If I want to live a safe, happy, sober life, I have to give it all over to Him.

I know I am powerless over alcohol.  I understand I cannot to this on my own.  I know I need help.

These are the original twelve steps as published by Alcoholics Anonymous:^[10]

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

These first 4 steps...I am excited.  I am ready.  I want to be different.  I want to be healthy.  

I cannot let myself turn into my biological mom.  Because that is what was happening.  I resented her for what she had become, but I was becoming her.  It is no wonder I hated myself.  I just didn't realize, until everything cleared, why I was so unhappy.

With the help and grace of God, the support of my family and friends and working the program, we got this!