Coming Up On 2 Weeks

This sober stuff is hard.  HARD.

There are so many times when I am in tears because I want a drink.  I want to just go to the store and grab a bottle.  I almost did yesterday and again today.

Almost.

I wanted to so bad.

But then I messaged my sponsor.  She told me a section to read in the Big Book and I did.

But I still wanted to drink.  Just one drink.  Or maybe a few.  Just to take the edge off.  But then, when would the edge ever leave, if I had one just to take the edge off?

My teenager, she's 16, was asking me about AA and not drinking and what we talk about and such.  I was telling her about it and she said, "I can't believe Daddy could never tell when you were drinking.  I could.  I knew what to look for."

That made me feel like crap.  It also made me realize I won't be able to hide it from her if I did choose to drink again.  Because that is what being an alcoholic for me was.  Hiding it.  I hid the bottles.  I hid the my drunkenness.  No one could tell when I was drunk.  Except her.

I owe it to myself and these kids to stay sober.

But I want that drink.  It is so hard to sleep.  Unless it is during the day.  It is so hard to go out of the house, unless it is Sunday or after 9pm, when the liquor stores are closed, unless I have family with me.

I was going to a meeting tonight because sitting at home feeling sorry for myself wanting to drink wasn't working.  So I'm changing and getting my shoes on when the wee one asks if she can go with.  I told her I was going to a meeting, she's 8 and understands I am working on not drinking.  She said yes.  I said, do you know what kind of meeting?  She responds, the one that talks about not drinking.  I told her yes, and if you want to go, you have to be quiet and still.  She said okay, that she really wants me to not drink anymore.

It breaks my heart.  It breaks my heart even more that I am so selfish to still want a drink when she says that.

I have to give all of my wants and desires and pain over to God.  I have to give Him all my pain and troubles and concerns.  I have to let go and realize I cannot do this alone.  But that human part of me, that selfish and narcassistic part of me won't let me give it all away.  That type A part of me that feels I have to be in control, when I know I am not.  If I were in control, I wouldn't be here.  If I were in control, I wouldn't be the one crying because I want alcohol.  ALCOHOL.  Really?

But there is that voice in my head.  The devil.  The disease.  The illness.  The sickness.  And I know I cannot do it alone.

I cannot do this alone.