Heartbroken

I am working on my 8th/9th steps.  Making my list of amends to make and then making those amends.

There is one amend (amends?) I really need to make.  For my own sanity.  So I know that I have done everything I can do, now, to try to mend a relationship.

I've said really hurtful things to this particular person, while I was drinking.  Because I felt it needed to be said.

I cannot take the words back.  Ever.  They won't be forgotten.  They will be forever etched into this person's mind.  Deep.

You don't realize how bad words hurt until you are sober.  At least, that is how it is for me.

Until you are dead to them and you aren't even told of life events you should have been a part of if things were different.  If you hadn't been so selfish and hateful.  I am heartbroken because, in the end, I did this to myself.

To know that I'm sorry isn't enough.

I want this person to know I am trying.  I am changing who I am today from who I was, even yesterday.

I never want to be that vindictive, angry, unforgiving person ever again.

Being an alcoholic isn't an excuse, but it is a reason.  I'm sick.  My brain is sick.  My soul is sick.  My brain doesn't think or work the same way as other's.  It doesn't give me a free pass to say the things I did.  I didn't have the tools to make myself better during those years.  I wasn't ready to look for those tools and ask for help in making myself better.  Because I couldn't and can't do it alone.  I was/am sick.  Only God can help bring me back to sanity and I had to give my whole self to Him.  So that I do His will, not my own.  He has to take away my defaults of character.  He has to forgive me so that I can forgive myself.

Because the first step to having anyone else forgive me and moving on, is asking for help and forgiving myself.

I'm ready to forgive myself.  So that I can be a better person for everyone else and do God's will.

I'm sorry.

Ways to Stay Sober...#529

I stay sober by keeping busy.  Praying.  Working the steps.  God.

And I crochet.

A lot.

Here is what I've done.  Not everything, but some of what I have pictures of.

I did not create these patterns.  The top hat is called the Olivia Hat found on Ravelry.com.  Which is where most of these are found.

Maybe one day I'll put a tutorial up here!

6th, 7th and 8th

Last night I worked with my sponsor on the 6th, 7th and 8th steps.

In going through the steps and praying and making sure in my heart and soul that I am ready to let go of all of my defaults of character and weaknesses.  I want the anger and hurt taken away.  I want to feel protected without ME having to protect me.  I want to give it all over to God.

I never want to go back to the person I was before I chose to live a sober life.

I never want to go back to a household of screams and tears and curses.

I never want to rely on a bottle to drown my feelings.

I never want to not have faith that God will take care of me and my family.

I went into AA thinking it would just give me the tools to control my drinking.

I am learning that by working the steps, I will never be able to control my drinking, but I am choosing to hand my life and will over to God so I don't have to try to control it.

The only thing I can control is my faith.  To live this life sober, I have to give myself to God and do His will.  My will got me where I am, His will will set me free.

I have to trust in Him, that He will provide for me and my family.  I have to ask Him for help in how I live.

Alcoholics Anonymous is not just a meeting or a program.  It is a way of life.  It is a spiritual journey through yourself so you can be the best possible you.  It has saved my life.  It gave me a new outlook on life and how I live.  I wake up in the morning and don't curse the world or run to the bathroom to vomit from drinking the night before.  I don't wake up wanting water or electrolytes.

I don't yell at my kids.  I don't yell at my husband.

I don't yell at people on the road who almost hit me in my car.  My road rage is gone.

I don't dwell on the past.

I am learning to Let Go and Let God.

And I want to stand on top of a mountain and shout to the world how light and happy and content I am because of it.

I want to share what I have learned with everyone.

I want to be the person God knows I can be and the person my children need me to be.

I am not just sober.  I am living a sober lifestyle

.

And it is extraordinary.

Having a Rough Time

I have over 2 months sober.

We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfullygrant a sick friend.

From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.

I am having a hard time.  I am working so hard on my sobriety.  I am not yelling at home anymore.  I have no desire to.  I have no desire to drink.  I have no desire to argue.

But I still have issues with control.  And when that default of character rears its ugly head, others in my house yell at scream and curse at me.

But I don't raise my voice.  

I tell them not to yell and curse at me.

I need to work on just walking away.

I am scared.  Because if that behavior doesn't change, if I am continually yelled at, I will have to take care of me and leave.

I don't want that to happen.  But I don't know what else to do. 

I need others to realize they need to work on their spiritual health as well.

I need help.  I can't do this alone.

No one is worth losing my sobriety over.

The Promises

This is the first time I have really read through the promises.  Talking with someone last night, I was going over how I am feeling now.  Especially compared to 3 months ago.  Even 1 month ago.  

I am content.  I pray every morning.  I pray every night.  I pray in between.  I don't get angry, or at least as angry, when people cut me off in traffic.  Today, instead of yelling at someone being a poop head on the road, I simply said, "that was not very nice, Mr. Red Car."  Then I kind of laughed at myself.  I didn't get tense or angry.

I say the Serenity Prayer a lot.  I say it with my kiddos.  I try to live my life the way I feel God is leading me. 

I am starting to know serenity.

I will let nothing come between me and my sobriety.  I love waking up and not being hung over.  I love waking up early and feeling like making breakfast for my kids.

I love being creative again.  And comfortable (mostly) in my own skin.  I love that I have lost nearly 30lbs.

I love that I feel confident enough in my spirituality I am able to recommend to my husband that he should stop and pray.

I am starting to forgive.

Forgive my biological mom.  My uncle.  My family.  

I have always said everything that has happened to me, happened for a reason.  As much as it is horrible to be sexually abused as a child, I wouldn't have been able to know what it is truly like to NEED to forgive someone.  Not for their sake, but for my own.  And I embrace it.  I want to forgive everyone.  I want to move on and not dwell.  I'm so tired of dwelling.  

I am embracing all of these promises.  I see them working already.

I am so blessed.  So. Incredibly. Blessed. 

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity,
and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone,
we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and
gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations
which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us
what we could not do for ourselves.

Almost 2 Months Sober

I haven't blogged in awhile.  And a lot has been accomplished.

I have finished my 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th steps.  I am currently working on the list for my 8th and will soon start my 9th.

The 9th step.  Making amends.

Some of them I am so ready to be done with.

Others, where I am ready to be rid of the guilt and shame and anger that resides in my heart, I am scared.

I don't know how to live without those feelings.

I am excited to work on being free from them and to learn to live without them.

I am just so scared at having to actually do it.

I will have 2 months on the 7th.

I'm feeling good.

God is Good.