Let Go and Let God

I try so hard to do this.

I am doing better about letting God.  But even when I am trying to let go, I still fret over it.  I just don't DO anything.

The husband and I had to have a conversation about safety with the teenager last night.  I was fretting over it for 2 days.

Sick to my stomach, wanting to cry, fretting.

I kept praying and praying and praying.  Please take this fear from me.  Please calm me down.  Please help me.  Please.  Take this fear.

And I learned last night.  It is all in my head.  As long as I think about what needs to happen vs jumping the gun, everything will work out.  If I address the situation calmly, it won't all go awry.  If the husband and I present a united front, there is no room for manuvering.

Was the teenager happy with choice we made regarding her safety, probably not.  But we explained why we didn't trust the situation, although we trusted her to make good choices.

I did all of that worrying for nothing.

Maybe that was the lesson.

Let Go.  Let God.

Writing and Delivering

I am working on my 9th step.  Made direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when do to so would injure them or others.

This part is hard.  Not that I am unwilling, because I am more than willing.  But because I cry whenever I think of all the pain and hurt I caused and the peace of mind I stole.

I am so willing to make amends.  To show I am working the program and I am going to be the best person I can possibly be today.  Because tomorrow always becomes today.

I think I have been being hard on myself lately.  I feel like I'm failing as a mom.  I am trying so hard to find the middle ground of not being so controlling, but also not letting them (the kids) get away with everything.  There are so many habits I have to break.  I know I have to take it one day at a time, but I just don't know if I'm doing it right.

I have to make amends to my kids and my husband.  My siblings and my parents.  There are some other people as well.  But those are first.

And that's a lot.

So please pray for me.  With me.  Pray that I will let God be in control and he will guide me to do His will when parenting, and being a good person, in general.

I just want to be the best person I can be.  I want to be the best parent I can be.

I am just so scared I am going to mess it all up.

I Thought I Was Safe There

I went to church yesterday.  I hadn't been in months.  I'd probably only been once since I stopped drinking.

At church, we serve wine during communion.  We also have a non-alcoholic wine.  The non-alcoholic wine is in the middle ring of the tray.

The middle ring was empty yesterday.

Empty.

All that was there was alcoholic wine.

I froze.  I took the cup because I had to. But I panicked.  I had no idea what to do.  Because I knew if I drank even that little bit, I was going to be in trouble.

Even that little bit.

When we were dismissed from the altar, I went to the Sacristy and put it on the counter.  Went to the bathroom and cried.

I couldn't handle it.  I did handle it.  But I felt this rush of panic. 

I didn't drink it.  I am okay.

But I am going to make sure there is non-alcoholic wine from now on.

I thought I was supposed to be safe at church.

I Am Seeing the Promises

I am seeing the promises!

I am seeing and witnessing the good that can come in my life!  And it is amazing!

Just when I start to get inside of myself.  When I start to withdrawl, He shows up.

I am so blessed.

So incredibly blessed.

We may not have a lot of money.  We may not have all the bells and whistles other people have.

But we don't need it.  We have what we need.  And what we don't have is being provided.

I never understood God taking care of my needs.  I never did.  But since I have given my life to Him, He is doing more than I ever even thought to anticipate.

God is so good.  So good.

I Have Joy

I have joy.

Serenity.

Peace.

Love.

Calmness.

Faith.

Spirituality.

Not only did God bring someone back into my life, the weather is getting colder!  Not that they are equal at all, but God is good.  All the time.

I never thought I would have ever had such peace in my heart.

I tell myself every day that I am forgiven.  I have to remind myself.

I forgive you.  I forgive myself.  God has forgiven me.

I am not my past or my bad choices.

I am not my mistakes.

I am a child of God and I am forgiven.  If I continue to follow the steps, keep up my spiritual fitness and focus on today, with the help of my support system and God, I got this.

I am forgiven.

Mandy, I forgive you.

New Beginnings

For the first time in years, I went to a show/concert sober.  

Sober. 

That means no Xanax for my anxiety.  No alcohol for, well, to drink so I am more comfortable.

Nothing.  

It was fun.  It was weird.  It scared me.  But it was good.

I remember the whole show.  I know I didn't make a fool of myself by being drunk.

And I felt bad for those who were falling down drunk.  And worried how they would get home safely.  

It was wierd.  Odd.  

Enlightening. 

Refreshing.

Empowering.

I am not my disease.  I am not my addiction.  

I deserve to live a full and happy and sober life.  I deserve to feel emotions.  

I am worth working to save.

And I am pretty sure my social anxiety never existed.  I thought I had it because I wanted a reason to drink.  Alcohol gave me social anxiety.

I thought it was my solution, but it was the beginning of my problems.

3 Month Chip

3 months.

92 days.

A quarter of a year.

A QUARTER OF A YEAR!

I haven't had a drink, sip, taste, DROP of alcohol!  Even at communion at church I have non alcoholic wine.

3 MONTHS!

I am so proud of myself.

It hasn't been easy.

I had a relapse 3 weeks into AA.  I stopped going to meetings for 4 days.  I started to think I could have 1 drink.  Just 1 bottle.  I woke up the next morning and was back to wanting to die.

I wanted to die, but I didn't want to die.  It seemed like the only logical choice.  If I couldn't stop drinking, then I should die and get it over with.

Such is the mind of those with a sickness.  Espeically a spiritual sickness/illness.

That day.  The day after my relapse I prayed.

I prayed so hard.  And I haven't stopped.

I asked God to take ALL of me.  The good and the bad.  My insecurities and my flaws.  My assets and attributes.  I asked him to take them all so that I could do HIS will and not my own.

And I haven't looked back.

I don't have drama.  I pray.  I thank God.  I ask for forgiveness.

Now I just have to truly forgive myself for all I have done to hurt myself and other people.

I work on that every day.  I will get there.

3 whole months.

A quarter of a year.

Through Him all things are possible.

Even for this lousy drunk ;)