Daddy Daughter Dances and Recovery's Blessings

My life is amazing.

I never would have thought, could have imagined, my life as it is today had I not chosen to face my problems.  Had I not become so sick and tired of being sick and tired I would either be dead or divorced, with no one.

Eight months ago I chose to get help.  Seven months ago I turned my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand him, and I have never looked backed.  My life is exponentially better.  A life I never even dared to imagine.

I am happy.  My kids are happy.  My husband is happy.

Husband and I on a rare night out AND he let me take a picture with him!

I have a relationship with my husband I never thought possible.  We talk and laugh and make love, and it isn't a chore, something we think we should do but don't want to do.  I love my husband and want to support him now, instead of resenting him.  He doesn't yell as often and is quick to help me out and get me little just because gifts.  Not that I need them, but sometimes a bag of chex mix is all a girl really needs.

My kids look forward to morning prayer before school, even if it is a short "Thank you for all you have given us and for waking us up this morning.  Thank you for choosing us to be a family.  Please watch over all of our family in all we do so that we do Your will and not our own.  Help us to not be selfish and self centered, but do for others instead.  In Your name we pray, Amen".  And when I hear the echoed "Amen" beside and behind me, I know we are on the right path.

Young Man Child and his desire for a shirt and tie makes my heart melt.
Turning into such a wonderful young man.

I never would have had this life without going to meetings and embracing the steps.  I never would have known this happiness and joy.  I never would have stopped to say, even when my kids are being less than stellar, "Enjoy this, embrace it, because it is going to be over before you know it and you're going to miss it.."  I get to embrace it all today.

Life is not always easy.  I have internal conflict all the time.  External as well.  Brushing the wee one's hair this morning (she's 9) was not fun and I was not my best self in trying to do so.  But I acknowledged my wrong, apologized and asked for forgiveness, while also letting her know that while she probably didnt' want to have her hair brushed and put up, blatently disregarding my instructions without using any type of verbal communication to express her desire was not acceptable and I can't read her mind.  Plus, I wasn't too fond of her going to school with a rat's nest on her head.  We resolved the conflict though.  Without tears and cursing.  I know that probably doesn't seem like a big deal to others, but for our family, that is huge.

Yesterday I made a decision after much prayer to leave the church I have been attending, the church I work for.  I felt like I was breaking up with my boyfriend (the church) and disappointing my father (Pastor/boss) all at the same time.  I know these feelings are because I am such a people pleaser, but I feel so much better.  I dont' have to be ashamed I didn't go to church that Sunday.  It is okay.  I also told them that when I go to church, I want it to be church, not work.  Since I work at and attend the same church, whenever I would go in for worship, I would also be asked to do work things.  I needed that time away.

And tonight.  Tonight my wee one has her first Father/Daughter Dance.  She is so excited!  I am so proud of my husband for wanting to take her.  For opting to take her rather than go to a meeting he had been planning on.  His desire to be a better husband and father makes my heart swoon for him.  His love of God and Jesus brings our relationship to a whole new level, a level I cannot believe we lived without before.

The Wee One's first heels.  Daddy was okay with this.  I was not.
She's not allowed to grow up!  Actual picture of said child in much too
grown-up clothing on the next post!

I am so blessed to have this family.  I am blessed that my path has led me here.  I cannot take back my past, but I am certainly able to learn from it.  And run with what has been given to me.

My alcoholism will not define me as a person.  My recovery depends on my wanting to make myself and my family better.  My wonderful life today is contingent upon my willingness to have a spiritually fit life.  I will choose spirituality and sobriety as a road to recovery every single day if it means my life can only get better from here.

Teenage Daughter often lets me model my new projects on her.  She's so gorgeous!

Being Mom

Being a mom is hard enough.  Being a mom struggling with addiction is tough.  Being a mom learning to come to grips with what you did in your addiction while you recover is a test.

I didn't choose addiction.  I didn't know how to live life like normal people.  I didn't know how to live life on life's terms.  I didn't know how to deal with the feelings and disappointment and rage.  I didn't know how to ask for help and I didn't want to be out of control.  I felt inadequate and like I was a failure because I couldn't control my life.  I couldn't control my life from the beginning.

In my 20s when I was drinking, I thought it was just for fun.  Then it became a habit.  It was what I did 2-3 nights a week.  It "helped" me sleep, even thought that sleep wasn't a restful sleep.  As I continued to drink more and more I continued to start to hate my life more and more.

Then I met my husband in March of 2010.  In April of 2010 he proposed (we were both sober) and got married on stage at a show put on by Stephan Egerton from All and The Descendants.  I was drunk.  He wasn't sober.  I don't regret marrying my husband, but I wish I would have been sober and I would have waited.

Or maybe that was God's plan.

Anyhow, we were married, or so we thought.  Turns out we were not LEGALLY married.  Our minister was licensed in Kansas, not Oklahoma.  We were in Oklahoma.  I was both relieved and scared.  I was scared because I had already told everyone I was married.  My parents were already hurt by my actions.  I was the oldest and the first to get married and I took this from them.  All because I was only thinking of myself.  I have forgiven myself for this as have they, but I can't forget it.  I eventually told my parents and they planned and paid for a wonderful wedding 5 months later that was indeed legal.  It was beautiful.  I was still selfish.

This background information is important because it shows I wasn't ready to be a mom.  Certainly not a mom to 3 kids who had just gone through their biological mom passing away 5 months earlier.  These kids were 12, 5 and 4.  Instant family.  This instant family was dragged into my tornado of a life.

I wasn't in the best place to be a mom.  I was selfish and self-centered.  I hadn't yet hit my bottom though.  I was still drinking maybe 2-3 times a week, mainly on weekends.  So it wasn't that bad, I thought.

Being their mom made my inability to accept that I am not perfect rage.  I felt I was failing my kids because they weren't doing what I wanted them to do.  It was all about me.  What I wanted, what others thought when they saw me with the kids, how they were behaving the impression they were giving.  I wasn't letting them just be kids.  I was imposing my perfectionism on them.

My addiction was selfish and harming, not just to me, but to my whole family.  As a woman in the traditional family roles, it was my job to take care of the kids and house.  Keep in mind I was 29.  I had lived on my own for several years.  Yes, I chose to marry my husband and become an instant mom, however my addiction wouldn't let me enjoy that time and the choices I had made.

I was horrible to be around.  My inability to cope with every day life led me to drink more and more.  The kids were acting up, I drank.  They did well in school, I drank.  They told me they loved me, I drank.  The teenager was caught trying to pierce her nose in the school bathroom before school, I drank a lot.  Then the drinking became nearly daily.  I wasn't dealing with life, I was hiding from life and pushing everyone away from me.  I didn't want to go to school functions because I wanted to drink.  I didn't want them to do extracurriculars because I wanted to be able to drink and it would take money away from me.

Now that I am sober, I can see all this.  Now that I am in recovery I look back and see just how messed up my thinking was, and can still be.  Alcohol and drugs don't cause people to behave this way.  This is the way certain people are, amplified.  I couldn't stand myself any longer.  I hated myself.  Because I hated myself and hated my life, a life I chose, I started to resent my children.  These children who had already lost one mom.  These children who didn't ask for me to be in their life.  I loved these children with my whole heart, I just couldn't bear the fact that I was letting them down.  I knew I was letting them down with my continual drinking, but I couldnt' stop drinking.  I physically and emotionally had no idea how to handle life, so I drank.
Today, when I think back on how I treated everyone, I cringe.  I cringe because I hated who I had become so much, I took it out on everyone who loved and cared for me.  I took away my kids' ability to have a new mom.  I still took care of them, just not how they deserved.  I was angry and volatile and emotional.  They never new what was going to happen next, what kind of mood I was going to be in today.

Being a mom in recovery is hard.  It is hard, but easy.  I dont' know if that makes any sense.  It is hard because, as women, we judge ourselves so harshly on how we are doing as a mom and spouse.  We judge each other on the choices we make for our children.  Are we raising them to be the best they can be?  Can we ever forgive ourselves, as addicts, for what we put our children through?  For the resentments they didn't deserve?  Moms already have it hard enough, and that isn't to give credit to those dads who are the primary caregiver.  I am talking about the traditional nuclear family with stereotypical roles.  My husband had no idea how much I was drinking.  I was that mom.  We were that family.  Secrets upon secrets and lies upon lies.

I hated my life and had to learn to accept it and love it.  I didn't hate my life because of the people in it, I hated it because I had no idea just how great it could and would be.  I hated myself because I felt I deserved the bad things that had happened to me and I didn't know how to love myself.  I didn't feel I deserved loved.
Today I live life on life's terms.  Today I pray and ask for guidance.  Today I know it is okay to not be perfect and I don't expect it.  Today my kids are happy.  As happy as kids can be.  My kids have responsibilities and get love every single day.  My kids know I go to meetings to stay sober so I never become that mom again.

I don't know if I would have been able to get sober if I were not married.  I don't know if I would have chosen to get sober.  I didn't have a reason to.  It was just me and my cats and my booze.  So, when I say it is hard and easy, I know I am sober today not only because of my Higher Power who I choose to call God, but because of my family, my husband and kids and my parents and siblings.  Mainly my kids.  I couldn't let them see me that way any longer.  I didn't want to be that mom any longer.  I didn't like who I had turned into and it was either change and get help or kill myself.  And believe me, I thought about it, but those kids kept me here.  As much stuff as I put them though, they are the reason I got sober.

Our life isn't rainbows and unicorns, but it is our life.  A sober and recovering life.  They get counseling and we are all very open about what has happened in the past.  I have made my amends to them, which I will continue to do by living a sober life in recovery.  I give freely now.  Alcohol is no longer a priority.  I now have tools to be the best mom I can possibly be to them.  I have the tools I need to live life on life's terms.

I may not be a perfect mom, but I am being the best mom I know how to be.  I am doing all I can to show my kids loves and kindness and forgiveness.  And most of all, I am showing them they are worth it, that people can change if they really want to.

My son was asked at school what he was thankful for and he told the school counselor, "Well, my real mom died when I was 5, so I am thankful for Mandy being my mom."  Today, in recovery, I can appreciate this and know I am doing the best job as a mom possible.  And my kids appreciate it.

Today, I love being a mom.

Work the steps, all of them, every day.

My sponsor says that since i've worked the first 11 steps I am now ready to take this message to other alcoholics.  Step 12.


Took the steps to those who need it.  I become the voice to help others.  Me.

Of course I have doubts.  Who doesn't have doubts?  I know I can do it.  I know I will do it.  It just seems as though I don't totally have a hold on my life, how can I try to help others.

But helping others is what keeps us sober.  It keeps us from becoming too involved in our own heads.

Today I was having one of those issues.

My kids.  I love them.  Oh who I love them.  I chose to be their mom.  I don't have to be their mom.  I didn't give birth to them.  I didn't adopt them.  I am raising them.  Because I love them.  Because I love their dad.  Because even though through all of my drunkeness, I knew I was put in their lives for a reason.  Now I can start to appreciate it.

Today has been hard though.  I have been irritable.  So irriatable.  I have no idea why.  I've prayed.  I'll go to a meeting tonight.  I just contacted or attempted to contact another alcoholic.  I'm doing what I'm supposed to do.  I don't want to drink.  I'm not lonely or hungry.  I am just irritable.

My kids have been being kids.  And I've been getting frustrated with them.  So I'm frustrated with myself for getting frustrated with them for being kids.  And I see myself getting frustrated with them.  I see myself growing more irritable, like I am looking down on myself from above, and I am telling myself to stop, but I can't seem to shake it.

It is control.  I can't be in control.  I am not in control.  I have to breathe.  Relax.  Pray.

It isn't the end of the world if they are irritating me.

They are kids.  I'm going to miss this one day.

But just for today, I'd like for them to be calm.  Or at least more calm.  I'd like to able to tell them to do something with out getting lip back.  Or to say, hey there is snow on the ground and it is freezing outside (literally), you need to put on something warmer, and not hear I'm wrong and it is in all actuality warm out.  Apparently 30 degrees Farenheit is warm now.  I know I should just let it go.

Sobriety has given me the ablity to see this in myself.  Sobriety and my 12 step program have given me the tools I need to deal with life without alcohol.  Without self pity and self loathing.  It has given me the freedom to be okay with not having control and to know that I am not in control.  It has given me a peace of mind so great that I can say with complete gladness, I don't need to be in control.  Because my higher power is in control.

It takes that stress off of me.  Of being perfect.  Of expecting perfection in others.

I'm going to go hug my kids now.

God > Alcohol

Alcohol –

We have had a tumultuous relationship.  A love/hate relationship.  A relationship built on nothing but good feelings in the beginning and hurt, resentment and fear at the end.  I think it is time we officially end our relationship.  I can’t have you in my life when all you want to do is hurt me and my family.

I remember when we first met.  I remember that first time I drank you until I was drunk.  I remember how wonderful I felt.  How light.  I was able to talk to people and feel comfortable.  I was 20.  I knew everything and nothing at the same time.  I knew you were going to be good and bad for me.  I knew I loved what you did for me.

As a child, you were the forbidden friend, something for me to look forward to when I got older, which made you all the more appealing.  But I didn’t touch you until I was nearly “old enough”.  I was that good girl, the girl who hated the taste of you and knew the rules.  Because once I was old enough, all bets were off, right?  Once I was old enough, it was okay.  I would learn to love you and rely on you.

I don’t know if you know this, Alcohol, but I didn’t like myself very much.  I didn’t think I deserved to be loved or needed.  When I used you, though, I thought I loved myself.  I thought you loved me.  I thought I was fun to be around.  I could stand being around myself and in my own head.  So our relationship started.  1 month before I turned 21, before it was legal, I used you. 

I drank you and I was happy.  I drank a lot of you.  I got up the next day and thought everything was great.  I didn’t drink you again until my 21^st birthday.  On my 21^st birthday you really laid into me.  You showed me what you could do.  I thought I could take it, I kept asking for more, and more you gave me.  I was so hung over the next day I felt it for 2 days. 

I should have known you weren’t good for me then.  I should have stopped hanging out with you when I knew you didn’t do good in the end.  But I didn’t stop.  I drank you and used you so much in the next 6 months.  You and I were buds.  Even before class.  I just needed to take that edge off.  You could do that for me.  I let you do that for me.

I wised up after those 6 months.  I stopped using you for several years.  I don’t know if really wised up, because I gave you up for a boy.  I gave up my addiction to you for an addiction to him.  Both addictions were bad for me.  You were both addictions and obsessions.  Each of you slowly driving me to my breaking point.

Then I was alone.  I started off slowly letting you back into my life.  I slowly let you put your hooks in me, because when I was with you, it felt okay to be in my own skin.  I didn’t feel so lonely.  I felt like I was actually worth something.

I drank you off and on for a couple of years and then gave you up again when I needed to lose weight, another obsession.  I have always traded you out for a different obsession.  We talked about this in a meeting.  You know those meetings I go to so I don’t ever have to use you again?  Yeah, those.  I traded you out.  You still had your hooks in me though, a little deeper than the time before.  I knew that when I drank you, used you, I could be someone I wasn’t.  Someone I liked to be.  Someone I could feel more comfortable with.

I used you.  I used you because I hated myself.  I used you because I had no idea how to deal with my emotions, and you helped me numb them when they overwhelmed me.  I used you and you didn’t mind.  You just dug your claws in deeper, making sure I thought I needed you.

I allowed you to take over my life.  You are all I thought about at the end.  How was I going to afford to buy you and when could I get to the store to pick you up.  I thought about you all day.  Which store was I going to go to today.  Did my kids really need that thing for school or could I use that money on you?  I put you above my marriage, my kids and God.  I put you above my health.  I knew I needed to find help from someone other than myself to quit you when I thought about drinking at work.  Who would miss the communion wine?  That overly sweet wine not meant to drink more than a small glass at a time.  I knew then just how bad my obsession had become when I was thinking of doing this.  But I didn't do it.  Sure I knew I wasn’t able to quit you all those other times I tried.  But it was okay because I was just drinking at home.  I wasn’t hurting anyone but myself, or so I thought.  But after all of my attempts to quit you on my own and my failure at doing it, coupled with my new thoughts of drinking at work, I knew there had to be something bigger than me and I needed it to get me to quit you.  I needed something, I just didn’t realize it was God.

I thought you helped me.  And maybe you did when all is said and done.  Maybe you and I were this close so I could finally realize that I didn’t need you.  So I could appreciate the life God had given me.  A life that I didn’t deserve or felt I didn’t deserve.  Because of my obsession with you, I put my marriage and kids on the back burner.  My obsession with you made me selfish, self-loathing and self-centered.  I was scared and angry and fearful.  In the end, when you were in me, I became a person I hated more than I hated when I had to feel emotions.  I hated the mom I was and the wife I had become.  I hated that I was drunk when I married my husband and that all I could think about was the next time you and I would get together.  I hate I let you take so many years from me.  I hate that I didn’t see it sooner.  I hate that I had become my mom.  I hate that I can never take back the horrible words I said and the things I did. 

But I am so thankful.  I am thankful I experienced all of this hate towards you and my obsession with you.  Because had I not, I would not and could not appreciate the life I have today without you. 

I am not longer obsessed with you.  Today I am obsessed with staying sober and being the best mom, wife, and believer I can possibly be.  Today I don’t need you.  Today your claws are no longer even touching my skin.  But I know that can change at any time.  I know you are sitting back, sharpening, maybe this time with a hook on the end so you can get that final dig in.  So the next time I won’t be able to shake you.  But I don’t want there to be a next time.  I don’t want you to be able to utilize those claws. 

Today I am happy and have a relationship with God I never knew possible.  Today I don’t have to drink or use you.  Today you are part of my past.  A past I will never forget, nor do I want to forget.  Today our relationship is over.  Today I have a relationship with my husband and I can actually start to imagine a future with him.  Today I can start to see an outline of my kids getting older.  Today I talk to my sister on a daily basis and my parents don’t worry about my safety.  Today I am the family they always wanted and I have the family I had always imagined.

Today I am happy and sober and blessed.  And thankful.  So thankful.  I am thankful to have been obsessed with you.  Without that obsession I would never have realized and learned how to be happy and rely on God.

Today I don’t need you. 

So I tell you this, Alcohol.  I will never forget what you did for me, the positive or the negative.  But I don’t need you any longer.  I have our memories and our memories are enough to make me stay away from you, today. 

Good bye, Alcohol.  Don’t ever come back.  There is nothing left for you here.  I have nothing for you.  As much fun as you were, I never want to become the person I was and the end of our relationship.  Those dark days are something of the past I will always remember, so I can keep you away.

Sincerely,

Mandy

Preparing for a Goodbye

May changes happening.  So super exited about them.

One thing I am supposed to do is write a love letter/good bye letter to alcohol.

Oh alcohol.  Can't lie, I miss the taste.  I miss the feeling I got when drinking it.

But I think I am romanticizing it.

I don't miss the hangovers and panic of waking up, wondering who I talked to and insulted the night before.

Had I gotten violent?  Had I said hurtful things?

I was horrible when I was drinking.

I was what you would call a "raging" alcoholic.  I was raging angry.  I hated myself.  I thought I didn't deserve to be loved or to live.

Thank God I have AA now.

So when I write my letter to alcohol, I may just share it.

Because alochol put me on the path to be who I am today.  I wouldn't be as happy as I am now without the trouble and problems it caused me.

I wouldn't be married with children without alcohol.

The relationship is bittersweet.

But sometimes, even though something or someone has done so much for you, it can and also tear you down and bring you down.  I don't want alcohol to have that power over me.

So it is time to write my goodbye forever.

We had some good times alcohol, but I never want to live those bad times again for as long as I live.