I Don't Have to Drink

before i started going to AA, i found any reason i could to drink.  hell, i didn't even need a reason.  i just wanted to drink to get away.  i was so over the taste of alcohol by the end of my drinking, i just wanted something to make me not feel any more.

so for the past 6 weeks I have been going to meetings, 5-6 meetings a week.  i had my slip up during my first week 3.  this week 3 one of my ladies is in the hospital.  

i say one of my ladies because she is an older lady from my church who helps out tons and whom i love dearly.  she is like a gramma to me.  just...someone who is tough as nails and so strong and has been through so much.  i look up to her so much.  she's one of my ladies.  she comes to tuesday morning bible class.  she helps fold bulletins.  she helps with meals at various times.  i love her.

i am so sad though.  because she is in congestive heart failure.  she has such a will to live.  and this sucks.  

i am so blessed i have been able to have her in my life.  that she has touched me so much.  but i am so sad.  

7 weeks ago, i would have bought a bottle or 2 and sat at home drinking tonight.  

but i'm not going to.

i'm going to say some prayers because i know i can.  i'm going to go to a meeting because i know i can.  and i'm going to make sure i tell my loved ones i love them.

i don't need to drink.  i don't want to drink.  or at least, i don't want to drink to lose myself.  

a jack and coke sounds good.  just for the taste.  but i know i can't do just one.

so here is to my new love.  coke zero with cherry and vanilla.  thank you sonic.

The Desire to Drink is Gone

I can drive by a liquor store and think, i used to plan my life around when i could go there.  how much money i had left.  did i have enough to buy something.

now i drive by and think...in a way...i've lost a friend.  i lost a friend who took my money and gave me stomach aches and headaches.  who made me sick.

so not really a friend, but a parasite.  a parasite i was used to living with.

i used the drinking to cope with raising my kids.  i know that sounds horrible.  i feel horrible saying it.  but when my son would start to yell at me, i'd grab a drink to check out.  now i have to deal with it.  i have to give up some control.  i have to understand that no, he isn't allowed to talk to me that way, but everything doesn't have to be my way.

it is like i am working the steps in my whole life.  which, i guess i am.  i guess i'm supposed to.  but i never would have even thought it would help me with parenting.  or being a better wife, or communicating with my husband better.

speaking of husband, i had to tell him i am not happy with our life right now.  a lot of it has to do with me being responsible for 90% of everything that gets done in the house and another 5% i have to remind him to do.  this weekend he had to deal with everything.  the little kids had a fight, he dealt with it.  they wouldnt' do something, he dealt with it.  it was so hard for me not to jump in...to take control.  to hear the kids screaming out side.  just playing...but loud.

and i know people say, just relax.  i've never been a relaxed person.  ever.  even when i would drink.  i want things how i want them when i want them and that is unrealistic and ridiculous.  absolutely ridiculous.

the weekend was so amazing..compared to previous weekends.  i am looking at myself and trying to figure out what i can change.  in me.  what my default of character is and how many i have.  i have to.  so i can show my kids how to live and lead by example.

i'm sober.  i pray.  i thank God.  i work my steps and go to meetings.  i hold myself accountable and responsible for my actions and thoughts.  and i keep myself busy.

by the grace of God, i got this :)

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

I am not really a think before you act type of person.

or at least i wasn't.

working on my 4th step...i am doing a lot of thinking before doing.  not in a bad way.  i'm not getting down on myself for my issues and the improvements i know i need to make.

i am becoming more self aware.  i was pretty self aware before.  i know when i am being unreasonable, even if i don't change my behavior when i am being that way.  i know when i should calm down and blowing things out of proportion, even though i don't change my behavior.  so i guess what i'm thinking about is the change i am going to have to make when i finally finish my 4th step.

it is a process of understanding and realizing no one is perfect.  i am internalizing everything before i really dig into it.  maybe that isn't the correct process.  but it is my process right now.  i want to make sure i am ready for these changes i have to make.  i want to make sure my brain is wrapped around it.  because i don't want to be reliant on alcohol when i'm sad or angry or upset or happy or excited or anything.  i don't want to rely on alcohol when i'm in a bad mood or when i think i can't be a mom any more.  i don't want to even think about taking a drink when i see myself through my kids' eyes...and they are wondering why i just flipped my lid.  i find it so hard to offer emotional support to my kids when they are throwing a fit or being needy.  and that is something i need to work on.  i just shut down.  maybe i need more than AA to help me with that part.  i don't know.  i just know i am aware of the issue.

i know i need to work on patience and understanding.  i know i need to work on being more present and spending more time with them.  i know i have been selfish with my time.

but i also need to tell them no more.  i need to tell other people "no" more often.  because i spread myself thin.  i give and give and give until there is nothing left for myself.

so, where thinking of yourself all the time is selfish, isn't putting everyone else first selfish too?  i was ignoring myself.  my health, emotional and physical.

i find myself driving down the road and thinking about my inventory.  thinking of the list of items i already have written.  those i have yet to write.

intolerant?  check.
lazy?  check
controlling?  check
obsessive?  check
selfish?  check
pushover?  check
angry?  check
resentful?  check
living in the past?  check
vengeful? check
irritable? check

and there are lots more.  i am learning, however, apologizing for such behavior, catching it when it happens or starts to happen, is a lot better than ignoring it and moving on without acknowledging it.  so these are baby steps in my process.  i figure i'll be done with my inventory in the next week or so.  then i'll be ready to share it with my sponsor.

i think what might be hard for me too though, are my assets.  i know that in general, i am a good person who has made some poor choices.  i will give whatever i have to anyone in need.

i am rambling at this point.  i don't really know what else to say...except...step 4, i am coming for you.  you will be had and conquered.  and repeated many times, so that i keep myself honest and humble.

i am not perfect, but i can sure live a humble life.  it is the best way i can show my kids it is all in your actions.  take responsibility.  own it.  acknowledge it.  ask for forgiveness if needed.  and move on.

The hopeless and hopeful.

A month and a half ago, I wanted to slit my wrists.  To feel something different.   Something.   Anything. 

I hated waking up hungover.  I hated dealing with my kids whining and crying and arguing.  I hated my husband checking out when they were his kids...leaving me to deal with it all.  I hated that I was drinking nearly every night because I didn't want to deal with it.  I hated that I couldn't remember anything from the previous night.

I hated that I felt so hopeless and lost and worthless and taken advantage of and run over and dead inside,  that all my attempts to stop drinking on my own were for naught. 

I had no hope for myself. 

Then,  through the act of divine intervention,  I finally said I needed help.  And I got it.  But not in the way I wanted.  But what I wanted didn't matter at this point.   It was what I needed. 

I cried throughout my first meeting.   And most of my second.  But something I hadn't felt in such a long time happened.   I started to feel alive.  I started to feel hope.  I started to feel like I could actually learn how to live.  How to fly.  How to have hope and be happy.   Hope that I could be a better mom for my kids.  Hope I could be a better wife and daughter and sister and employee.  And friend.  Aunt.  Cousin.  A better person. 

I HAVE hope.  I FEEL alive.  I still would like a drink, but I feel so blessed to be sober and actually living, I am not going to waste this new life on feeling hopeless ever again .

Gratitude. Thankfulness. Blessings.

Tonight was a good meeting.

Tonight was about gratitude.

I am so thankful.  I am thankful for my new relationship with God.  For a relationship I never had.

I had gone to church for most of my life.  I believed in God.  Or so I thought.

I never truly believed God was really there for me.  If He was, why did he allowed my uncle to abuse me for so many years.  Why did He give me a biological mom who couldn't take care of herself.

I was so angry.  But I hid it.  I said I was thankful it happened to me and not my little sister.  Or at least my other little sister got our mom when she was older.  I tried and tried to make myself okay with my past.

But I couldn't.   I was so angry.  I didn't WANT to forgive.  It made me so angry for so many years,  I just didn't want to feel any more.

So on to the gratitude. 

All through this, my dad and step mom stood by me.  They had no idea I was drinking as much as I was...but they heard me on my rants and saw my anger.  They were not saints by any means.  We all have our issues.  How they dealt with my abuse was not okay, however they didn't know the whole truth until I was wasted one night in my late 20s.  But they never gave up on me.  God never gave up on me.  If they would have, I wouldn't be writing this. 

So my gratitude to for my parents and my God.

And for AA. 

I still have a lot to work through.   And I have to work through sober.  But I can do this. By the grace of God,  and support, I will do this.

4th Step - The Process

On Wednesday, I talked to my new sponsor about starting my 4th Step.  I have a month.  I have a month to take a very precise and accurate inventory of myself, morals, choices, past...all of it.

It is scary but liberating.

I have been crocheting a lot.  A LOT.

Teenage daughter likes the infinity scarf I am working on.  She referred to me as "my mom" when talking about it.  It makes me smile.  It makes me realize I was missing so much being drunk every night.  It makes me so thankful I am sober right now.

Without the Grace of God, I would not be sober.

And for that, thank you, Lord.

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

This is step 2.

I grew up Christian.  Lutheran.  Of course I believe in a power greater than myself.  Of course He can bring me back to sanity.  If I ever really had sanity.  Before, during or after drinking.

I believed in this Power.  This God.

But I didn't trust Him.  How could I?  So many bad things had happened on His watch.  Only I could control what was happening.

But I couldn't.  I couldn't control it.  Because if I could control it, I wouldn't be in AA.

So for me, steps 2 and 3 go hand in hand.  Step 3 is Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 

So not only did I have to accept that I was doing insane things, I had to turn my will and life over to Him.

So I had my first relapse.  I was 3 weeks into meetings.  3 weeks sober.  Looking forward so much to my 30 days.  And I thought I had it. I thought it was so easy.

Then I wasn't praying.  I wasn't going to meetings.  I was relying on me.  Not my sponsor, not my fellow AA attendees.  Me.

So I had my bottle of liquor.  I woke up the next day with shame and guilt.  How could I do this?  I thought I could control it.  I.  I.  I.  I cannot do it.  I have to have help.  He has to guide me and take away everything from me.

One of my favorite movie quotes is:

 "Everybody listen up! The Gridiron is a football field. On the Gridiron, we do it my way, not your way. Your way got you here. Whatever gang you claim, whatever hood you're from, this is your hood now." 


 This is from The Gridiron Gang.  I know I am not in a gang or in a youth center for violent offenders.  I am not a teenager.  I am a grown woman.  So I should be able to control myself, right?


But I can't.

So I am admitting I am powerless.  I need His help to bring me back to sanity.  

I get on my knees every morning and every night now.  And I pray.  I pray that I can do His will.  I pray He will keep me sober.  I pray he will make me a better person.

I keep praying, and I'm staying sober.  I keep going to meetings, and I'm staying sober.  I talk to my sponsor, and I'm staying sober.

I am being honest with myself and my family and friends and to my Higher Power.

I am thankful to be sober.  I am thankful for my family.  And most of all, I am thankful for my God.

1 Week Sober. Again.

Why can't I drink like a "normal" person?

The fact that I am asking myself that, means I'm definately an alcoholic.  It means alcohol has taken over my life.  It means I am right where I need to be, AA.

I can't blame my drinking on anything or anyone else but myself.  I can lie to myself all I want, but that is just going to drive me to drink again.

Right now, it is getting easier.  I was so used to drinking nearly every night.  I just wish I could sleep.

There are a few people in the group, who I feel are just as awkward as I am.  Because I am very awkward.  I make lame jokes.  But I am always genuine.

Forever Young - Bob Dylan
Let Her Cry - Hootie and the Blowfish

Just a couple songs that I like to listen to.

2 Weeks

Today, I have 2 weeks sobriety.

2 weeks.  It hasn't been easy.  Every day I think about going back to the bottle.  Every day I think, why not just one more drink.  Every day I think...God can get me through this.