"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

I am not really a think before you act type of person.

or at least i wasn't.

working on my 4th step...i am doing a lot of thinking before doing.  not in a bad way.  i'm not getting down on myself for my issues and the improvements i know i need to make.

i am becoming more self aware.  i was pretty self aware before.  i know when i am being unreasonable, even if i don't change my behavior when i am being that way.  i know when i should calm down and blowing things out of proportion, even though i don't change my behavior.  so i guess what i'm thinking about is the change i am going to have to make when i finally finish my 4th step.

it is a process of understanding and realizing no one is perfect.  i am internalizing everything before i really dig into it.  maybe that isn't the correct process.  but it is my process right now.  i want to make sure i am ready for these changes i have to make.  i want to make sure my brain is wrapped around it.  because i don't want to be reliant on alcohol when i'm sad or angry or upset or happy or excited or anything.  i don't want to rely on alcohol when i'm in a bad mood or when i think i can't be a mom any more.  i don't want to even think about taking a drink when i see myself through my kids' eyes...and they are wondering why i just flipped my lid.  i find it so hard to offer emotional support to my kids when they are throwing a fit or being needy.  and that is something i need to work on.  i just shut down.  maybe i need more than AA to help me with that part.  i don't know.  i just know i am aware of the issue.

i know i need to work on patience and understanding.  i know i need to work on being more present and spending more time with them.  i know i have been selfish with my time.

but i also need to tell them no more.  i need to tell other people "no" more often.  because i spread myself thin.  i give and give and give until there is nothing left for myself.

so, where thinking of yourself all the time is selfish, isn't putting everyone else first selfish too?  i was ignoring myself.  my health, emotional and physical.

i find myself driving down the road and thinking about my inventory.  thinking of the list of items i already have written.  those i have yet to write.

intolerant?  check.
lazy?  check
controlling?  check
obsessive?  check
selfish?  check
pushover?  check
angry?  check
resentful?  check
living in the past?  check
vengeful? check
irritable? check

and there are lots more.  i am learning, however, apologizing for such behavior, catching it when it happens or starts to happen, is a lot better than ignoring it and moving on without acknowledging it.  so these are baby steps in my process.  i figure i'll be done with my inventory in the next week or so.  then i'll be ready to share it with my sponsor.

i think what might be hard for me too though, are my assets.  i know that in general, i am a good person who has made some poor choices.  i will give whatever i have to anyone in need.

i am rambling at this point.  i don't really know what else to say...except...step 4, i am coming for you.  you will be had and conquered.  and repeated many times, so that i keep myself honest and humble.

i am not perfect, but i can sure live a humble life.  it is the best way i can show my kids it is all in your actions.  take responsibility.  own it.  acknowledge it.  ask for forgiveness if needed.  and move on.