The Desire to Drink is Gone

I can drive by a liquor store and think, i used to plan my life around when i could go there.  how much money i had left.  did i have enough to buy something.

now i drive by and think...in a way...i've lost a friend.  i lost a friend who took my money and gave me stomach aches and headaches.  who made me sick.

so not really a friend, but a parasite.  a parasite i was used to living with.

i used the drinking to cope with raising my kids.  i know that sounds horrible.  i feel horrible saying it.  but when my son would start to yell at me, i'd grab a drink to check out.  now i have to deal with it.  i have to give up some control.  i have to understand that no, he isn't allowed to talk to me that way, but everything doesn't have to be my way.

it is like i am working the steps in my whole life.  which, i guess i am.  i guess i'm supposed to.  but i never would have even thought it would help me with parenting.  or being a better wife, or communicating with my husband better.

speaking of husband, i had to tell him i am not happy with our life right now.  a lot of it has to do with me being responsible for 90% of everything that gets done in the house and another 5% i have to remind him to do.  this weekend he had to deal with everything.  the little kids had a fight, he dealt with it.  they wouldnt' do something, he dealt with it.  it was so hard for me not to jump in...to take control.  to hear the kids screaming out side.  just playing...but loud.

and i know people say, just relax.  i've never been a relaxed person.  ever.  even when i would drink.  i want things how i want them when i want them and that is unrealistic and ridiculous.  absolutely ridiculous.

the weekend was so amazing..compared to previous weekends.  i am looking at myself and trying to figure out what i can change.  in me.  what my default of character is and how many i have.  i have to.  so i can show my kids how to live and lead by example.

i'm sober.  i pray.  i thank God.  i work my steps and go to meetings.  i hold myself accountable and responsible for my actions and thoughts.  and i keep myself busy.

by the grace of God, i got this :)