It's been awhile.
A bit has changed.
I received my 1 year chip. I have a new career starting soon.
Career. I said career.
My life is better than I could have ever imagined. Better than I deserve, definitely. But I will gladly take it and run with it.
I am happy. Even when everything isn't going how I want it to, I am happy because it is okay that it isn't going my way. It is going God's way, and God's way is exponentially better than my way.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Every day I wake up, it is the first day of the rest of my life. And I am thankful for that today. I am thankful and grateful and so incredibly blessed.
That isn't to say every day is rainbows and unicorns. It isn't. But it is how I choose to live my life today that makes it wonderful.
I still get scared and fear creeps back into my thoughts at times, but now I have the tools to be able to combat it. Today I don't have to stay in my head. Today I can help others so that I help myself.
Today I am making progress to become the mom I know my kids deserve, the wife my husband deserves and the person I deserve myself to be. The person I know I can be, if I put enough work into it.
Today is a good day, a great day.
Today, I am blessed beyond measure.
And it is all thanks to God.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Monday, June 1, 2015
Fear
I have had a lot of fear creep up into my life recently.
Fear of the future, the unknown.
Fear that I am not doing enough to prepare my kids for their futures.
Fear that I am not doing enough to make my marriage work.
Fear that I am not enough.
Fear that my kids are going to make mistakes.
My fear has nothing to do with them. My fear has everything to do with me and my relationship with God.
My fear is because I am not relying on God, and instead relying only on myself.
I can't do it. I need help. All I can do is what I can do. Then I pray and turn it over to God.
I was irritable and discontent last night. Grumpy.
There are too many I's in the words above. Because it isn't about me doing things. It is about me giving it over to God.
I can only lead by example. I can plant the seed for my kids. I can ask my husband for help. I can pray for guidance and for His will to be done.
But I can't control what they do or choose.
I have to be willing to accept that. To live with that. To live life on life's terms.
It is okay if mistakes are made. It is how we learn.
Today I need to work on being less neurotic. And I know I am at times. Less controlling. Because when I start to feel out of control, I start grasping at everything I think I can control.
And that never ends well.
So I spend about an hour last night praying. Just praying. And trying to listen. Asking for help and for the ability to give my life over.
Because some days all I can do is cry and beg God to take it from me.
I need help daily. I just have to be willing to ask for it and accept it.
Fear of the future, the unknown.
Fear that I am not doing enough to prepare my kids for their futures.
Fear that I am not doing enough to make my marriage work.
Fear that I am not enough.
Fear that my kids are going to make mistakes.
My fear has nothing to do with them. My fear has everything to do with me and my relationship with God.
My fear is because I am not relying on God, and instead relying only on myself.
I can't do it. I need help. All I can do is what I can do. Then I pray and turn it over to God.
I was irritable and discontent last night. Grumpy.
There are too many I's in the words above. Because it isn't about me doing things. It is about me giving it over to God.
I can only lead by example. I can plant the seed for my kids. I can ask my husband for help. I can pray for guidance and for His will to be done.
But I can't control what they do or choose.
I have to be willing to accept that. To live with that. To live life on life's terms.
It is okay if mistakes are made. It is how we learn.
Today I need to work on being less neurotic. And I know I am at times. Less controlling. Because when I start to feel out of control, I start grasping at everything I think I can control.
And that never ends well.
So I spend about an hour last night praying. Just praying. And trying to listen. Asking for help and for the ability to give my life over.
I need help daily. I just have to be willing to ask for it and accept it.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Reminders to Live in Today
I am not very good at being nice to myself.
I have unrealistic expectations of how I should handle life and where I should be at nearly 11 months sober in my recovery.
I have to remind myself it took me a lifetime to ask for help with my addiction. Literally, a lifetime.
I also have to remind myself daily that my life today is far better than I ever expected my life to be in my whole life. And I know it can only get better if I just relax, live one day at a time and do my best to do God's will and not my own.
I can't expect myself to break all the bad habits I had from my addiction in 11 months. I am a work in progress. One day at a time. Little by little. I just need to keep moving forward.
Sometimes I feel like I could be a better mom.
I feel like I could be more...I don't know if involved is the right word, but just something. I feel like there is something missing when I look at other people and see what they do. Or when I look at my kids and see how they are growing and how I feel like I should be more interactive with them.
It isn't as though I just let them go do whatever and don't talk or interact with them. Not at all. I am probably more in tune with what is going on than a lot of parents. I am just not that parent that sits down and plays games with my kids. And I guess the problem that I see is, I wish I was. I could make more of an effort to be that person, but do my kids really care?
I feel like I have to be supermom. This pressure isn't coming from anyone else but myself.
And this is where my unrealistic expectations of myself come in.
I am not supermom or superwoman. As much as I wish I were, I'm not. I can't. I cannot be everything to everyone and still expect to keep sane and keep my sobriety. What I can do is to know that I am enough. I am doing enough, loving enough, being enough.
Could I do more? Of course. But what would the cost be? I have to tell myself this so I will be kind to myself when I don't meet those expectations I see other people hitting.
I am doing a lot. I am raising 3 children as my own who I only got 5 years ago. I am raising a teenager who has a family history of ovarian cancer, alcohol and drug addiction and mental illness. And I am trying to raise her to be aware that she is going to have to be careful when it comes to alcohol and drug use. She is going to have to be careful because of the medications she takes for the pain and other medical issues she has to live with. All of this while still giving her the freedom to make her own choices and mistakes. While trying to empower her to know her self-worth. To know her worth is not a number on a scale or what social media says is beautiful. I know I need to loosen that leash, let her spread her wings, and I am, little by little.
I am raising a soon to be middle school boy who is going to be pressured to go out with girls and say and do things that are not acceptable for his age. It has already started in 5th grade. Not only that, but with his concentration issues and anger issues, we have other problems. Together, daily, we say our morning prayers asking for God's guidance in doing His will and not our own. We ask God to help us help other people and to be kind. To not be self serving, selfish or self-centered. We ask for this every day, together. We say the Serenity Prayer and I let him know that is okay to make mistakes and no one is perfect and that I love him. How do you teach a boy to be a young man in this day? How do you teach him to respect the girls others are teasing? How do you teach him to respect himself enough to treat others with the respect he wants to receive?
And the baby. My 9 year old who will be in 4th grade. I love this little girl something fierce. And boy is she fierce. So strong willed. She is so kindhearted. She does come with her set of issues though. We are working on concentration problems and listening for the answer when people talk to her. And going to the bathroom when needed instead of ignoring it when involved with something else (tv, video games, legos, etc). She takes part of the morning prayer ritual with my son. And to teach her her self worth? To not doubt her instincts?
We want to raise our children to be strong and independent, but yet to rely on God. And to know their family will ALWAYS be there for them. Regardless of anything. And I always wonder, am I doing enough? Could I be doing more? Are the examples I am setting enough?
My children are wonderful children. We have all changed so much in these past 11 months. There isn't the tension that used to be in the house, everyone waiting for the next bad thing to happen. The yelling has nearly ceased. My husband and I have a relationship I never thought could or would exist. My kids are happy. As happy as a tween and teenager can be, I guess.
I have a wonderful family who supports me in my recovery, a job with co-workers and a Pastor who pushed me to AA to get help and 2 vehicles that run and get us to where we need to go. I have a house and a cat. I have clothes and everything we need to live. We have minimal debt, student loans not included, and I get to go back to school and have it paid for. My husband finally found a job he loves as well as a new church he likes to attend. We are blessed. Truly blessed. I know none of this would have happened if I wouldn't have asked for help. I know it wouldn't have happened if I never asked God to take control. I know this, and still I expect more from myself.
And still, even though I wear a bracelet to remind me, I feel like I am not enough. I feel like I am not doing enough.
Today I am alive, I told my kids I love them and I got to take them to school. Today I am sober and thanked God for my family, my life and my recovery. Today, I have everything I need.
Today. Today I need to realize I am enough. I am beautiful and funny and kind. I do my best to do God's will each day. I do my best to be a living example of what AA, sobriety and God can do for someone.
Today I am living for today. One day, hour, minute, second, at a time.
I have unrealistic expectations of how I should handle life and where I should be at nearly 11 months sober in my recovery.
I have to remind myself it took me a lifetime to ask for help with my addiction. Literally, a lifetime.
I also have to remind myself daily that my life today is far better than I ever expected my life to be in my whole life. And I know it can only get better if I just relax, live one day at a time and do my best to do God's will and not my own.
I can't expect myself to break all the bad habits I had from my addiction in 11 months. I am a work in progress. One day at a time. Little by little. I just need to keep moving forward.
Sometimes I feel like I could be a better mom.
I feel like I could be more...I don't know if involved is the right word, but just something. I feel like there is something missing when I look at other people and see what they do. Or when I look at my kids and see how they are growing and how I feel like I should be more interactive with them.
It isn't as though I just let them go do whatever and don't talk or interact with them. Not at all. I am probably more in tune with what is going on than a lot of parents. I am just not that parent that sits down and plays games with my kids. And I guess the problem that I see is, I wish I was. I could make more of an effort to be that person, but do my kids really care?
I feel like I have to be supermom. This pressure isn't coming from anyone else but myself.
And this is where my unrealistic expectations of myself come in.
I am not supermom or superwoman. As much as I wish I were, I'm not. I can't. I cannot be everything to everyone and still expect to keep sane and keep my sobriety. What I can do is to know that I am enough. I am doing enough, loving enough, being enough.
Could I do more? Of course. But what would the cost be? I have to tell myself this so I will be kind to myself when I don't meet those expectations I see other people hitting.
I am doing a lot. I am raising 3 children as my own who I only got 5 years ago. I am raising a teenager who has a family history of ovarian cancer, alcohol and drug addiction and mental illness. And I am trying to raise her to be aware that she is going to have to be careful when it comes to alcohol and drug use. She is going to have to be careful because of the medications she takes for the pain and other medical issues she has to live with. All of this while still giving her the freedom to make her own choices and mistakes. While trying to empower her to know her self-worth. To know her worth is not a number on a scale or what social media says is beautiful. I know I need to loosen that leash, let her spread her wings, and I am, little by little.
I am raising a soon to be middle school boy who is going to be pressured to go out with girls and say and do things that are not acceptable for his age. It has already started in 5th grade. Not only that, but with his concentration issues and anger issues, we have other problems. Together, daily, we say our morning prayers asking for God's guidance in doing His will and not our own. We ask God to help us help other people and to be kind. To not be self serving, selfish or self-centered. We ask for this every day, together. We say the Serenity Prayer and I let him know that is okay to make mistakes and no one is perfect and that I love him. How do you teach a boy to be a young man in this day? How do you teach him to respect the girls others are teasing? How do you teach him to respect himself enough to treat others with the respect he wants to receive?
And the baby. My 9 year old who will be in 4th grade. I love this little girl something fierce. And boy is she fierce. So strong willed. She is so kindhearted. She does come with her set of issues though. We are working on concentration problems and listening for the answer when people talk to her. And going to the bathroom when needed instead of ignoring it when involved with something else (tv, video games, legos, etc). She takes part of the morning prayer ritual with my son. And to teach her her self worth? To not doubt her instincts?
We want to raise our children to be strong and independent, but yet to rely on God. And to know their family will ALWAYS be there for them. Regardless of anything. And I always wonder, am I doing enough? Could I be doing more? Are the examples I am setting enough?
My children are wonderful children. We have all changed so much in these past 11 months. There isn't the tension that used to be in the house, everyone waiting for the next bad thing to happen. The yelling has nearly ceased. My husband and I have a relationship I never thought could or would exist. My kids are happy. As happy as a tween and teenager can be, I guess.
I have a wonderful family who supports me in my recovery, a job with co-workers and a Pastor who pushed me to AA to get help and 2 vehicles that run and get us to where we need to go. I have a house and a cat. I have clothes and everything we need to live. We have minimal debt, student loans not included, and I get to go back to school and have it paid for. My husband finally found a job he loves as well as a new church he likes to attend. We are blessed. Truly blessed. I know none of this would have happened if I wouldn't have asked for help. I know it wouldn't have happened if I never asked God to take control. I know this, and still I expect more from myself.
And still, even though I wear a bracelet to remind me, I feel like I am not enough. I feel like I am not doing enough.
Today I am alive, I told my kids I love them and I got to take them to school. Today I am sober and thanked God for my family, my life and my recovery. Today, I have everything I need.
Today. Today I need to realize I am enough. I am beautiful and funny and kind. I do my best to do God's will each day. I do my best to be a living example of what AA, sobriety and God can do for someone.
Today I am living for today. One day, hour, minute, second, at a time.
Friday, April 17, 2015
The More I Try
I can't control things. My kids' choices.
When I try to control things they get out of hand, I get frustrated and disgruntled and resentful.
I want to control situations that arise, but I can't.
I know I cannot keep my kids safe all the time.
I know they have to make their own choices and mistakes. I know I can be there to lift them back up, but they will have to fall.
I know all this. But I don't want it to happen.
As a mom, as a parent, at least for me, I want my kids to succeed. I want my kids to be able to learn from my mistakes.
But I know they won't. I know that is a dream and not reality.
So here is my problem.
Is it okay to still think about it? Is it okay to want something but ultimately know that the only one in control is God?
I can want something but know that my want is so much smaller than God's will, so ultimately, my want is wasted energy. Right?
Am I anywhere near the right path?
I can hope my kids make good decisions, and as long as I don't have expectations of the end result and I know and pray and give it to God, His will will be done.
The choices I make and my kids make will mold them into the people they are to become. I have to make sure my heart is open to God's word and will.
I just want my kids to be okay. I want better for them than what I did, the choices I made.
So I pray for them. I pray they make good choices and they listen for God to guide them. I pray for their safety.
And I pray that God gives me the strength to be the best mom I can be. The best sober mom I can be.
Because being a mom is hard.
And I pray for me to be nice to myself. I am my own biggest critic.
i am enough bracelet
When I try to control things they get out of hand, I get frustrated and disgruntled and resentful.
I want to control situations that arise, but I can't.
I know I cannot keep my kids safe all the time.
I know they have to make their own choices and mistakes. I know I can be there to lift them back up, but they will have to fall.
I know all this. But I don't want it to happen.
As a mom, as a parent, at least for me, I want my kids to succeed. I want my kids to be able to learn from my mistakes.
But I know they won't. I know that is a dream and not reality.
So here is my problem.
Is it okay to still think about it? Is it okay to want something but ultimately know that the only one in control is God?
I can want something but know that my want is so much smaller than God's will, so ultimately, my want is wasted energy. Right?
Am I anywhere near the right path?
I can hope my kids make good decisions, and as long as I don't have expectations of the end result and I know and pray and give it to God, His will will be done.
The choices I make and my kids make will mold them into the people they are to become. I have to make sure my heart is open to God's word and will.
I just want my kids to be okay. I want better for them than what I did, the choices I made.
So I pray for them. I pray they make good choices and they listen for God to guide them. I pray for their safety.
And I pray that God gives me the strength to be the best mom I can be. The best sober mom I can be.
Because being a mom is hard.
And I pray for me to be nice to myself. I am my own biggest critic.
i am enough bracelet
Monday, April 13, 2015
Things are great until...
Life is going great.
I was accepted to college to get a second bachelor's degree. There is a program that will help me pay for my schooling. We have 2 cars that run. My husband just got an awesome career opportunity.
My kids are minding and doing better in school (for the most part). The yelling has nearly stopped.
I'm working my steps and trying to be the best person I can be.
But I am putting so much pressure on myself to do that. To be that person. I'm trying to control me being that great person that relies only on God, and when I do that, I don't rely on God. I don't give it all to him.
I know God will keep my family safe and will provide for us. I know people are given free will and we have to use it appropriately. I know my kids are going to make mistakes. I know we are not perfect. I am not perfect.
I have to stop having expectations. I am so scared of losing everything God has given me I'm not trust Him to keep me safe. I'm trying to cling and claw and hold on to something that was never taken away from me. There is no reason for me to feel this way. Other than before in my drinking I would always lose it because of poor decisions.
So I need to work on not worrying. On letting go. On not expecting a certain outcome. I need to work on breathing and letting my kids make mistakes and me no flying off the handle.
I know I am not perfect and I am going to make mistakes. I'm human. I'm not supermom. As much as I want to be perfect and be supermom, I'm not. And I have to let my kids know I make mistakes so they know they can make mistakes.
I have to show them how to live by example. I have to show them how to be a responsible person and how to make good choices and rely on God.
I have to listen for God to tell me when and how to do this. I have to ask for His will, not mine, be done.
And then I have to listen for His will. No matter what.
Because my sobriety and family depend on it.
I was accepted to college to get a second bachelor's degree. There is a program that will help me pay for my schooling. We have 2 cars that run. My husband just got an awesome career opportunity.
My kids are minding and doing better in school (for the most part). The yelling has nearly stopped.
I'm working my steps and trying to be the best person I can be.
But I am putting so much pressure on myself to do that. To be that person. I'm trying to control me being that great person that relies only on God, and when I do that, I don't rely on God. I don't give it all to him.
I know God will keep my family safe and will provide for us. I know people are given free will and we have to use it appropriately. I know my kids are going to make mistakes. I know we are not perfect. I am not perfect.
I have to stop having expectations. I am so scared of losing everything God has given me I'm not trust Him to keep me safe. I'm trying to cling and claw and hold on to something that was never taken away from me. There is no reason for me to feel this way. Other than before in my drinking I would always lose it because of poor decisions.
So I need to work on not worrying. On letting go. On not expecting a certain outcome. I need to work on breathing and letting my kids make mistakes and me no flying off the handle.
I know I am not perfect and I am going to make mistakes. I'm human. I'm not supermom. As much as I want to be perfect and be supermom, I'm not. And I have to let my kids know I make mistakes so they know they can make mistakes.
I have to show them how to live by example. I have to show them how to be a responsible person and how to make good choices and rely on God.
I have to listen for God to tell me when and how to do this. I have to ask for His will, not mine, be done.
And then I have to listen for His will. No matter what.
Because my sobriety and family depend on it.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
The Struggle is Real
In my head, I cannot, for the life of me, keep my thoughts clear. They keep getting muddied and boggled. I keep forgetting what I tell people.
I am sober.
But I cannot contain my thoughts. At all. I can't get them organized. I can't focus.
I jump from one topic to another. Miss things at work. Things that I shouldn't.
It is all just moving so fast. I just wnat to be able to focus on one thing. To not have to be doing 5 things at once so I do all of them half way and nothing to my potentional.
I am sober.
But I cannot contain my thoughts. At all. I can't get them organized. I can't focus.
I jump from one topic to another. Miss things at work. Things that I shouldn't.
It is all just moving so fast. I just wnat to be able to focus on one thing. To not have to be doing 5 things at once so I do all of them half way and nothing to my potentional.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Prayer
I've been praying.
A lot.
I feel like I am praying all the time.
Your will, not mine, be done. Your will. Not mine. Over and over and over. Because I always want to grab control. I want to make it happen.
But where do you make it happen and let it happen? Where is that distinction? How will I know?
I keep having these weird thoughts. People breaking into the house. But I don't know why. Do I not feel safe?
Probably not. I have no idea what my husband would do if we were in danger. Should I know? Should I just have faith he would be there to help protect us?
Or does all of that faith belong with God?
Probably the latter.
It is the latter.
through Him all things are possible.
A lot.
I feel like I am praying all the time.
Your will, not mine, be done. Your will. Not mine. Over and over and over. Because I always want to grab control. I want to make it happen.
But where do you make it happen and let it happen? Where is that distinction? How will I know?
I keep having these weird thoughts. People breaking into the house. But I don't know why. Do I not feel safe?
Probably not. I have no idea what my husband would do if we were in danger. Should I know? Should I just have faith he would be there to help protect us?
Or does all of that faith belong with God?
Probably the latter.
It is the latter.
through Him all things are possible.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Daddy Daughter Dances and Recovery's Blessings
My life is amazing.
I never would have thought, could have imagined, my life as it is today had I not chosen to face my problems. Had I not become so sick and tired of being sick and tired I would either be dead or divorced, with no one.
Eight months ago I chose to get help. Seven months ago I turned my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand him, and I have never looked backed. My life is exponentially better. A life I never even dared to imagine.
I am happy. My kids are happy. My husband is happy.
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| Husband and I on a rare night out AND he let me take a picture with him! |
My kids look forward to morning prayer before school, even if it is a short "Thank you for all you have given us and for waking us up this morning. Thank you for choosing us to be a family. Please watch over all of our family in all we do so that we do Your will and not our own. Help us to not be selfish and self centered, but do for others instead. In Your name we pray, Amen". And when I hear the echoed "Amen" beside and behind me, I know we are on the right path.
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| Young Man Child and his desire for a shirt and tie makes my heart melt. Turning into such a wonderful young man. |
Life is not always easy. I have internal conflict all the time. External as well. Brushing the wee one's hair this morning (she's 9) was not fun and I was not my best self in trying to do so. But I acknowledged my wrong, apologized and asked for forgiveness, while also letting her know that while she probably didnt' want to have her hair brushed and put up, blatently disregarding my instructions without using any type of verbal communication to express her desire was not acceptable and I can't read her mind. Plus, I wasn't too fond of her going to school with a rat's nest on her head. We resolved the conflict though. Without tears and cursing. I know that probably doesn't seem like a big deal to others, but for our family, that is huge.
Yesterday I made a decision after much prayer to leave the church I have been attending, the church I work for. I felt like I was breaking up with my boyfriend (the church) and disappointing my father (Pastor/boss) all at the same time. I know these feelings are because I am such a people pleaser, but I feel so much better. I dont' have to be ashamed I didn't go to church that Sunday. It is okay. I also told them that when I go to church, I want it to be church, not work. Since I work at and attend the same church, whenever I would go in for worship, I would also be asked to do work things. I needed that time away.
And tonight. Tonight my wee one has her first Father/Daughter Dance. She is so excited! I am so proud of my husband for wanting to take her. For opting to take her rather than go to a meeting he had been planning on. His desire to be a better husband and father makes my heart swoon for him. His love of God and Jesus brings our relationship to a whole new level, a level I cannot believe we lived without before.
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| The Wee One's first heels. Daddy was okay with this. I was not. She's not allowed to grow up! Actual picture of said child in much too grown-up clothing on the next post! |
My alcoholism will not define me as a person. My recovery depends on my wanting to make myself and my family better. My wonderful life today is contingent upon my willingness to have a spiritually fit life. I will choose spirituality and sobriety as a road to recovery every single day if it means my life can only get better from here.
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| Teenage Daughter often lets me model my new projects on her. She's so gorgeous! |
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Being Mom
Being a mom is hard enough. Being a mom struggling with addiction is tough. Being a mom learning to come to grips with what you did in your addiction while you recover is a test.
I didn't choose addiction. I didn't know how to live life like normal people. I didn't know how to live life on life's terms. I didn't know how to deal with the feelings and disappointment and rage. I didn't know how to ask for help and I didn't want to be out of control. I felt inadequate and like I was a failure because I couldn't control my life. I couldn't control my life from the beginning.
In my 20s when I was drinking, I thought it was just for fun. Then it became a habit. It was what I did 2-3 nights a week. It "helped" me sleep, even thought that sleep wasn't a restful sleep. As I continued to drink more and more I continued to start to hate my life more and more.
Then I met my husband in March of 2010. In April of 2010 he proposed (we were both sober) and got married on stage at a show put on by Stephan Egerton from All and The Descendants. I was drunk. He wasn't sober. I don't regret marrying my husband, but I wish I would have been sober and I would have waited.
Or maybe that was God's plan.
Anyhow, we were married, or so we thought. Turns out we were not LEGALLY married. Our minister was licensed in Kansas, not Oklahoma. We were in Oklahoma. I was both relieved and scared. I was scared because I had already told everyone I was married. My parents were already hurt by my actions. I was the oldest and the first to get married and I took this from them. All because I was only thinking of myself. I have forgiven myself for this as have they, but I can't forget it. I eventually told my parents and they planned and paid for a wonderful wedding 5 months later that was indeed legal. It was beautiful. I was still selfish.
This background information is important because it shows I wasn't ready to be a mom. Certainly not a mom to 3 kids who had just gone through their biological mom passing away 5 months earlier. These kids were 12, 5 and 4. Instant family. This instant family was dragged into my tornado of a life.
I wasn't in the best place to be a mom. I was selfish and self-centered. I hadn't yet hit my bottom though. I was still drinking maybe 2-3 times a week, mainly on weekends. So it wasn't that bad, I thought.
Being their mom made my inability to accept that I am not perfect rage. I felt I was failing my kids because they weren't doing what I wanted them to do. It was all about me. What I wanted, what others thought when they saw me with the kids, how they were behaving the impression they were giving. I wasn't letting them just be kids. I was imposing my perfectionism on them.
My addiction was selfish and harming, not just to me, but to my whole family. As a woman in the traditional family roles, it was my job to take care of the kids and house. Keep in mind I was 29. I had lived on my own for several years. Yes, I chose to marry my husband and become an instant mom, however my addiction wouldn't let me enjoy that time and the choices I had made.
I was horrible to be around. My inability to cope with every day life led me to drink more and more. The kids were acting up, I drank. They did well in school, I drank. They told me they loved me, I drank. The teenager was caught trying to pierce her nose in the school bathroom before school, I drank a lot. Then the drinking became nearly daily. I wasn't dealing with life, I was hiding from life and pushing everyone away from me. I didn't want to go to school functions because I wanted to drink. I didn't want them to do extracurriculars because I wanted to be able to drink and it would take money away from me.
Now that I am sober, I can see all this. Now that I am in recovery I look back and see just how messed up my thinking was, and can still be. Alcohol and drugs don't cause people to behave this way. This is the way certain people are, amplified. I couldn't stand myself any longer. I hated myself. Because I hated myself and hated my life, a life I chose, I started to resent my children. These children who had already lost one mom. These children who didn't ask for me to be in their life. I loved these children with my whole heart, I just couldn't bear the fact that I was letting them down. I knew I was letting them down with my continual drinking, but I couldnt' stop drinking. I physically and emotionally had no idea how to handle life, so I drank.
Today, when I think back on how I treated everyone, I cringe. I cringe because I hated who I had become so much, I took it out on everyone who loved and cared for me. I took away my kids' ability to have a new mom. I still took care of them, just not how they deserved. I was angry and volatile and emotional. They never new what was going to happen next, what kind of mood I was going to be in today.
Being a mom in recovery is hard. It is hard, but easy. I dont' know if that makes any sense. It is hard because, as women, we judge ourselves so harshly on how we are doing as a mom and spouse. We judge each other on the choices we make for our children. Are we raising them to be the best they can be? Can we ever forgive ourselves, as addicts, for what we put our children through? For the resentments they didn't deserve? Moms already have it hard enough, and that isn't to give credit to those dads who are the primary caregiver. I am talking about the traditional nuclear family with stereotypical roles. My husband had no idea how much I was drinking. I was that mom. We were that family. Secrets upon secrets and lies upon lies.
I hated my life and had to learn to accept it and love it. I didn't hate my life because of the people in it, I hated it because I had no idea just how great it could and would be. I hated myself because I felt I deserved the bad things that had happened to me and I didn't know how to love myself. I didn't feel I deserved loved.
Today I live life on life's terms. Today I pray and ask for guidance. Today I know it is okay to not be perfect and I don't expect it. Today my kids are happy. As happy as kids can be. My kids have responsibilities and get love every single day. My kids know I go to meetings to stay sober so I never become that mom again.
I don't know if I would have been able to get sober if I were not married. I don't know if I would have chosen to get sober. I didn't have a reason to. It was just me and my cats and my booze. So, when I say it is hard and easy, I know I am sober today not only because of my Higher Power who I choose to call God, but because of my family, my husband and kids and my parents and siblings. Mainly my kids. I couldn't let them see me that way any longer. I didn't want to be that mom any longer. I didn't like who I had turned into and it was either change and get help or kill myself. And believe me, I thought about it, but those kids kept me here. As much stuff as I put them though, they are the reason I got sober.
Our life isn't rainbows and unicorns, but it is our life. A sober and recovering life. They get counseling and we are all very open about what has happened in the past. I have made my amends to them, which I will continue to do by living a sober life in recovery. I give freely now. Alcohol is no longer a priority. I now have tools to be the best mom I can possibly be to them. I have the tools I need to live life on life's terms.
I may not be a perfect mom, but I am being the best mom I know how to be. I am doing all I can to show my kids loves and kindness and forgiveness. And most of all, I am showing them they are worth it, that people can change if they really want to.
My son was asked at school what he was thankful for and he told the school counselor, "Well, my real mom died when I was 5, so I am thankful for Mandy being my mom." Today, in recovery, I can appreciate this and know I am doing the best job as a mom possible. And my kids appreciate it.
Today, I love being a mom.
I didn't choose addiction. I didn't know how to live life like normal people. I didn't know how to live life on life's terms. I didn't know how to deal with the feelings and disappointment and rage. I didn't know how to ask for help and I didn't want to be out of control. I felt inadequate and like I was a failure because I couldn't control my life. I couldn't control my life from the beginning.
In my 20s when I was drinking, I thought it was just for fun. Then it became a habit. It was what I did 2-3 nights a week. It "helped" me sleep, even thought that sleep wasn't a restful sleep. As I continued to drink more and more I continued to start to hate my life more and more.
Then I met my husband in March of 2010. In April of 2010 he proposed (we were both sober) and got married on stage at a show put on by Stephan Egerton from All and The Descendants. I was drunk. He wasn't sober. I don't regret marrying my husband, but I wish I would have been sober and I would have waited.
Or maybe that was God's plan.
Anyhow, we were married, or so we thought. Turns out we were not LEGALLY married. Our minister was licensed in Kansas, not Oklahoma. We were in Oklahoma. I was both relieved and scared. I was scared because I had already told everyone I was married. My parents were already hurt by my actions. I was the oldest and the first to get married and I took this from them. All because I was only thinking of myself. I have forgiven myself for this as have they, but I can't forget it. I eventually told my parents and they planned and paid for a wonderful wedding 5 months later that was indeed legal. It was beautiful. I was still selfish.
This background information is important because it shows I wasn't ready to be a mom. Certainly not a mom to 3 kids who had just gone through their biological mom passing away 5 months earlier. These kids were 12, 5 and 4. Instant family. This instant family was dragged into my tornado of a life.
I wasn't in the best place to be a mom. I was selfish and self-centered. I hadn't yet hit my bottom though. I was still drinking maybe 2-3 times a week, mainly on weekends. So it wasn't that bad, I thought.
Being their mom made my inability to accept that I am not perfect rage. I felt I was failing my kids because they weren't doing what I wanted them to do. It was all about me. What I wanted, what others thought when they saw me with the kids, how they were behaving the impression they were giving. I wasn't letting them just be kids. I was imposing my perfectionism on them.
My addiction was selfish and harming, not just to me, but to my whole family. As a woman in the traditional family roles, it was my job to take care of the kids and house. Keep in mind I was 29. I had lived on my own for several years. Yes, I chose to marry my husband and become an instant mom, however my addiction wouldn't let me enjoy that time and the choices I had made.
I was horrible to be around. My inability to cope with every day life led me to drink more and more. The kids were acting up, I drank. They did well in school, I drank. They told me they loved me, I drank. The teenager was caught trying to pierce her nose in the school bathroom before school, I drank a lot. Then the drinking became nearly daily. I wasn't dealing with life, I was hiding from life and pushing everyone away from me. I didn't want to go to school functions because I wanted to drink. I didn't want them to do extracurriculars because I wanted to be able to drink and it would take money away from me.
Now that I am sober, I can see all this. Now that I am in recovery I look back and see just how messed up my thinking was, and can still be. Alcohol and drugs don't cause people to behave this way. This is the way certain people are, amplified. I couldn't stand myself any longer. I hated myself. Because I hated myself and hated my life, a life I chose, I started to resent my children. These children who had already lost one mom. These children who didn't ask for me to be in their life. I loved these children with my whole heart, I just couldn't bear the fact that I was letting them down. I knew I was letting them down with my continual drinking, but I couldnt' stop drinking. I physically and emotionally had no idea how to handle life, so I drank.
Today, when I think back on how I treated everyone, I cringe. I cringe because I hated who I had become so much, I took it out on everyone who loved and cared for me. I took away my kids' ability to have a new mom. I still took care of them, just not how they deserved. I was angry and volatile and emotional. They never new what was going to happen next, what kind of mood I was going to be in today.
Being a mom in recovery is hard. It is hard, but easy. I dont' know if that makes any sense. It is hard because, as women, we judge ourselves so harshly on how we are doing as a mom and spouse. We judge each other on the choices we make for our children. Are we raising them to be the best they can be? Can we ever forgive ourselves, as addicts, for what we put our children through? For the resentments they didn't deserve? Moms already have it hard enough, and that isn't to give credit to those dads who are the primary caregiver. I am talking about the traditional nuclear family with stereotypical roles. My husband had no idea how much I was drinking. I was that mom. We were that family. Secrets upon secrets and lies upon lies.
I hated my life and had to learn to accept it and love it. I didn't hate my life because of the people in it, I hated it because I had no idea just how great it could and would be. I hated myself because I felt I deserved the bad things that had happened to me and I didn't know how to love myself. I didn't feel I deserved loved.
Today I live life on life's terms. Today I pray and ask for guidance. Today I know it is okay to not be perfect and I don't expect it. Today my kids are happy. As happy as kids can be. My kids have responsibilities and get love every single day. My kids know I go to meetings to stay sober so I never become that mom again.
I don't know if I would have been able to get sober if I were not married. I don't know if I would have chosen to get sober. I didn't have a reason to. It was just me and my cats and my booze. So, when I say it is hard and easy, I know I am sober today not only because of my Higher Power who I choose to call God, but because of my family, my husband and kids and my parents and siblings. Mainly my kids. I couldn't let them see me that way any longer. I didn't want to be that mom any longer. I didn't like who I had turned into and it was either change and get help or kill myself. And believe me, I thought about it, but those kids kept me here. As much stuff as I put them though, they are the reason I got sober.
Our life isn't rainbows and unicorns, but it is our life. A sober and recovering life. They get counseling and we are all very open about what has happened in the past. I have made my amends to them, which I will continue to do by living a sober life in recovery. I give freely now. Alcohol is no longer a priority. I now have tools to be the best mom I can possibly be to them. I have the tools I need to live life on life's terms.
I may not be a perfect mom, but I am being the best mom I know how to be. I am doing all I can to show my kids loves and kindness and forgiveness. And most of all, I am showing them they are worth it, that people can change if they really want to.
My son was asked at school what he was thankful for and he told the school counselor, "Well, my real mom died when I was 5, so I am thankful for Mandy being my mom." Today, in recovery, I can appreciate this and know I am doing the best job as a mom possible. And my kids appreciate it.
Today, I love being a mom.
Monday, February 16, 2015
Work the steps, all of them, every day.
My sponsor says that since i've worked the first 11 steps I am now ready to take this message to other alcoholics. Step 12.
Took the steps to those who need it. I become the voice to help others. Me.
Of course I have doubts. Who doesn't have doubts? I know I can do it. I know I will do it. It just seems as though I don't totally have a hold on my life, how can I try to help others.
But helping others is what keeps us sober. It keeps us from becoming too involved in our own heads.
Today I was having one of those issues.
My kids. I love them. Oh who I love them. I chose to be their mom. I don't have to be their mom. I didn't give birth to them. I didn't adopt them. I am raising them. Because I love them. Because I love their dad. Because even though through all of my drunkeness, I knew I was put in their lives for a reason. Now I can start to appreciate it.
Today has been hard though. I have been irritable. So irriatable. I have no idea why. I've prayed. I'll go to a meeting tonight. I just contacted or attempted to contact another alcoholic. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. I don't want to drink. I'm not lonely or hungry. I am just irritable.
My kids have been being kids. And I've been getting frustrated with them. So I'm frustrated with myself for getting frustrated with them for being kids. And I see myself getting frustrated with them. I see myself growing more irritable, like I am looking down on myself from above, and I am telling myself to stop, but I can't seem to shake it.
It is control. I can't be in control. I am not in control. I have to breathe. Relax. Pray.
It isn't the end of the world if they are irritating me.
They are kids. I'm going to miss this one day.
But just for today, I'd like for them to be calm. Or at least more calm. I'd like to able to tell them to do something with out getting lip back. Or to say, hey there is snow on the ground and it is freezing outside (literally), you need to put on something warmer, and not hear I'm wrong and it is in all actuality warm out. Apparently 30 degrees Farenheit is warm now. I know I should just let it go.
Sobriety has given me the ablity to see this in myself. Sobriety and my 12 step program have given me the tools I need to deal with life without alcohol. Without self pity and self loathing. It has given me the freedom to be okay with not having control and to know that I am not in control. It has given me a peace of mind so great that I can say with complete gladness, I don't need to be in control. Because my higher power is in control.
It takes that stress off of me. Of being perfect. Of expecting perfection in others.
I'm going to go hug my kids now.
Took the steps to those who need it. I become the voice to help others. Me.
Of course I have doubts. Who doesn't have doubts? I know I can do it. I know I will do it. It just seems as though I don't totally have a hold on my life, how can I try to help others.
But helping others is what keeps us sober. It keeps us from becoming too involved in our own heads.
Today I was having one of those issues.
My kids. I love them. Oh who I love them. I chose to be their mom. I don't have to be their mom. I didn't give birth to them. I didn't adopt them. I am raising them. Because I love them. Because I love their dad. Because even though through all of my drunkeness, I knew I was put in their lives for a reason. Now I can start to appreciate it.
Today has been hard though. I have been irritable. So irriatable. I have no idea why. I've prayed. I'll go to a meeting tonight. I just contacted or attempted to contact another alcoholic. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. I don't want to drink. I'm not lonely or hungry. I am just irritable.
My kids have been being kids. And I've been getting frustrated with them. So I'm frustrated with myself for getting frustrated with them for being kids. And I see myself getting frustrated with them. I see myself growing more irritable, like I am looking down on myself from above, and I am telling myself to stop, but I can't seem to shake it.
It is control. I can't be in control. I am not in control. I have to breathe. Relax. Pray.
It isn't the end of the world if they are irritating me.
They are kids. I'm going to miss this one day.
But just for today, I'd like for them to be calm. Or at least more calm. I'd like to able to tell them to do something with out getting lip back. Or to say, hey there is snow on the ground and it is freezing outside (literally), you need to put on something warmer, and not hear I'm wrong and it is in all actuality warm out. Apparently 30 degrees Farenheit is warm now. I know I should just let it go.
Sobriety has given me the ablity to see this in myself. Sobriety and my 12 step program have given me the tools I need to deal with life without alcohol. Without self pity and self loathing. It has given me the freedom to be okay with not having control and to know that I am not in control. It has given me a peace of mind so great that I can say with complete gladness, I don't need to be in control. Because my higher power is in control.
It takes that stress off of me. Of being perfect. Of expecting perfection in others.
I'm going to go hug my kids now.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
God > Alcohol
Alcohol –
We have had a tumultuous
relationship. A love/hate
relationship. A relationship built on
nothing but good feelings in the beginning and hurt, resentment and fear at the
end. I think it is time we officially
end our relationship. I can’t have you
in my life when all you want to do is hurt me and my family.
I remember when we first
met. I remember that first time I drank
you until I was drunk. I remember how
wonderful I felt. How light. I was able to talk to people and feel
comfortable. I was 20. I knew everything and nothing at the same
time. I knew you were going to be good
and bad for me. I knew I loved what you
did for me.
As a child, you were the
forbidden friend, something for me to look forward to when I got older, which
made you all the more appealing. But I
didn’t touch you until I was nearly “old enough”. I was that good girl, the girl who hated the
taste of you and knew the rules. Because
once I was old enough, all bets were off, right? Once I was old enough, it was okay. I would learn to love you and rely on you.
I don’t know if you know
this, Alcohol, but I didn’t like myself very much. I didn’t think I deserved to be loved or
needed. When I used you, though, I
thought I loved myself. I thought you
loved me. I thought I was fun to be
around. I could stand being around
myself and in my own head. So our
relationship started. 1 month before I
turned 21, before it was legal, I used you.
I drank you and I was
happy. I drank a lot of you. I got up the next day and thought everything
was great. I didn’t drink you again
until my 21st birthday. On my
21st birthday you really laid into me. You showed me what you could do. I thought I could take it, I kept asking for
more, and more you gave me. I was so
hung over the next day I felt it for 2 days.
I should have known you
weren’t good for me then. I should have
stopped hanging out with you when I knew you didn’t do good in the end. But I didn’t stop. I drank you and used you so much in the next
6 months. You and I were buds. Even before class. I just needed to take that edge off. You could do that for me. I let you do that for me.
I wised up after those 6
months. I stopped using you for several
years. I don’t know if really wised up,
because I gave you up for a boy. I gave
up my addiction to you for an addiction to him.
Both addictions were bad for me.
You were both addictions and obsessions.
Each of you slowly driving me to my breaking point.
Then I was alone. I started off slowly letting you back into my
life. I slowly let you put your hooks in
me, because when I was with you, it felt okay to be in my own skin. I didn’t feel so lonely. I felt like I was actually worth something.
I drank you off and on for a
couple of years and then gave you up again when I needed to lose weight, another
obsession. I have always traded you out
for a different obsession. We talked about
this in a meeting. You know those
meetings I go to so I don’t ever have to use you again? Yeah, those.
I traded you out. You still had
your hooks in me though, a little deeper than the time before. I knew that when I drank you, used you, I could
be someone I wasn’t. Someone I liked to
be. Someone I could feel more
comfortable with.
I used you. I used you because I hated myself. I used you because I had no idea how to deal
with my emotions, and you helped me numb them when they overwhelmed me. I used you and you didn’t mind. You just dug your claws in deeper, making
sure I thought I needed you.
I allowed you to take over my
life. You are all I thought about at the
end. How was I going to afford to buy
you and when could I get to the store to pick you up. I thought about you all day. Which store was I going to go to today. Did my kids really need that thing for school
or could I use that money on you? I put
you above my marriage, my kids and God.
I put you above my health. I knew
I needed to find help from someone other than myself to quit you when I thought
about drinking at work. Who would miss
the communion wine? That overly sweet
wine not meant to drink more than a small glass at a time. I knew then just how bad my obsession had
become when I was thinking of doing this. But I didn't do it. Sure I knew I wasn’t able to
quit you all those other times I tried.
But it was okay because I was just drinking at home. I wasn’t hurting anyone but myself, or so I thought.
But after all of my attempts to quit you on my own and my failure at
doing it, coupled with my new thoughts of drinking at work, I knew there had to
be something bigger than me and I needed it to get me to quit you. I needed something, I just didn’t realize it
was God.
I thought you helped me. And maybe you did when all is said and done. Maybe you and I were this close so I could
finally realize that I didn’t need you.
So I could appreciate the life God had given me. A life that I didn’t deserve or felt I didn’t
deserve. Because of my obsession with
you, I put my marriage and kids on the back burner. My obsession with you made me selfish,
self-loathing and self-centered. I was
scared and angry and fearful. In the end, when you
were in me, I became a person I hated more than I hated when I had to feel
emotions. I hated the mom I was and the
wife I had become. I hated that I was
drunk when I married my husband and that all I could think about was the next
time you and I would get together. I
hate I let you take so many years from me.
I hate that I didn’t see it sooner.
I hate that I had become my mom.
I hate that I can never take back the horrible words I said and the
things I did.
But I am so thankful. I am thankful I experienced all of this hate
towards you and my obsession with you.
Because had I not, I would not and could not appreciate the life I have
today without you.
I am not longer obsessed with
you. Today I am obsessed with staying
sober and being the best mom, wife, and believer I can possibly be. Today I don’t need you. Today your claws are no longer even touching
my skin. But I know that can change at
any time. I know you are sitting back,
sharpening, maybe this time with a hook on the end so you can get that final
dig in. So the next time I won’t be able
to shake you. But I don’t want there to
be a next time. I don’t want you to be
able to utilize those claws.
Today I am happy and have a
relationship with God I never knew possible.
Today I don’t have to drink or use you.
Today you are part of my past. A
past I will never forget, nor do I want to forget. Today our relationship is over. Today I have a relationship with my husband
and I can actually start to imagine a future with him. Today I can start to see an outline of my
kids getting older. Today I talk to my
sister on a daily basis and my parents don’t worry about my safety. Today I am the family they always wanted and
I have the family I had always imagined.
Today I am happy and sober
and blessed. And thankful. So thankful.
I am thankful to have been obsessed with you. Without that obsession I would never have
realized and learned how to be happy and rely on God.
Today I don’t need you.
So I tell you this,
Alcohol. I will never forget what you
did for me, the positive or the negative.
But I don’t need you any longer.
I have our memories and our memories are enough to make me stay away
from you, today.
Good bye, Alcohol. Don’t ever come back. There is nothing left for you here. I have nothing for you. As much fun as you were, I never want to
become the person I was and the end of our relationship. Those dark days are something of the past I
will always remember, so I can keep you away.
Sincerely,
Mandy
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Preparing for a Goodbye
May changes happening. So super exited about them.One thing I am supposed to do is write a love letter/good bye letter to alcohol.
Oh alcohol. Can't lie, I miss the taste. I miss the feeling I got when drinking it.
But I think I am romanticizing it.
I don't miss the hangovers and panic of waking up, wondering who I talked to and insulted the night before.
Had I gotten violent? Had I said hurtful things?
I was horrible when I was drinking.
I was what you would call a "raging" alcoholic. I was raging angry. I hated myself. I thought I didn't deserve to be loved or to live.
Thank God I have AA now.
So when I write my letter to alcohol, I may just share it.
Because alochol put me on the path to be who I am today. I wouldn't be as happy as I am now without the trouble and problems it caused me.
I wouldn't be married with children without alcohol.
The relationship is bittersweet.
But sometimes, even though something or someone has done so much for you, it can and also tear you down and bring you down. I don't want alcohol to have that power over me.
So it is time to write my goodbye forever.
We had some good times alcohol, but I never want to live those bad times again for as long as I live.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
The Benefits of Living Sober
I can't just "be" sober. I have to "live" sober. It is a way of life. A choice.
I am living a life I am proud to live. A life I want to share with everyone. I have a spirituality I want everyone to experience. A peace and calm I never thought possible.
I worked hard to have it. I work hard to keep it. It doesn't just come. You have to work for it.
I'm losing weight. Slowly but surely.
I can tell not because I weigh myself, but because the fat I have on me is becoming softer.
Softer? Squishier? Saggier? Not as firm.
I am embracing it. Because I know it means there are changes happening. Changes that I am helping to make because of choices I have decided to make.
I am able to control my outbursts more often now.
I am able to notice when I am being unfair to my children, most of the time.
I still questions my ability to parent daily. How much am I screwing my kids up? Will they ever forgive me for not knowing how to parent? Am I a good parent?
My kids know about my alcoholism and have been with me every step of the way on my journey to live sober. It isn't just my journey though. It is our journey.
They didn't know how to live with a mom who didn't drink and I didn't know how to be a mom without drinking. We are all learning, but we are all, for the most part, happy. Happier. More content.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
6 Months Sober - makes me think of this song
Methamphetamine - by Everclear
She came out west
To find the sun
She lost her name
But found a new one
Amy goes to school all day
But at night in the neighborhood
They call her Amphetamine
She is perfect in that fucked up way
That all the magazines
Seem to want to glorify these days
She looks like a teenage anthem
She looks like she used to be happy with
The girl inside
She looks so bored sometimes
She has that super pale skin
And those soft green eyes
She looks like she could have been happy
In a better life
She came out west
Just to break away clean
From her family and friends
And a little girl's dream
All she wants to do every night
Is to sit beside my window
And listen to the sirens
She is perfect in that fucked up way
That all the magazines
Seem to want to glorify these days
She looks like a teenage anthem
She looks like she could have been happy
In another life
In another life
She came out west
Just to break the spell
After three long years
In a marriage from hell
Six months clean
Living sober and right
The doctors tell her
Everything will be alright
Yeah, you just take your pill
And everything will be alright
She looks like a teenage anthem
She looks like a magazine girl
She looks like a teenage anthem
Like she used to be happy
In another world
She looks like a teenage anthem
She is happy with the girl inside
She looks like a teenage anthem
And looks like she could have been
Happy in another life
In another life
Happy in another life
I met her at a party and I took her home
She is the saddest girl that I have ever known
Yeah she wakes me up in the middle of the night
Just to tell me everything will be allright
Amy smiles at me tells me everything will be allright
Yeah, Amy smiles at me tells me everything will be allright
Yeah I tell myself the same damn thing everyday
ooooh everything will be allright
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Discontent, perfection, resentment
For the past couple of weeks I've been letting my praying slip. I think about it and then do something else.
This causes me to try to do my will instead of God's.
Big mistake.
I feel cold and discontent. I'm angry and can't relax.
Last night I couldn't sleep. It was after 2am and my body wouldn't relax. I just felt like hitting things and scratching my arms and eyes out.
I started to think of why.
Then I realized, I needed to physically get on my knees and pray. So I did.
I prayed and prayed.
I think I need an alarm to remind me to pray. Because I don't want to feel that way any more. I don't want to get angry at my kids for stupid stuff. I don't want to lose my patience so quickly.
I need to make sure I pray.
This causes me to try to do my will instead of God's.
Big mistake.
I feel cold and discontent. I'm angry and can't relax.
Last night I couldn't sleep. It was after 2am and my body wouldn't relax. I just felt like hitting things and scratching my arms and eyes out.
I started to think of why.
Then I realized, I needed to physically get on my knees and pray. So I did.
I prayed and prayed.
I think I need an alarm to remind me to pray. Because I don't want to feel that way any more. I don't want to get angry at my kids for stupid stuff. I don't want to lose my patience so quickly.
I need to make sure I pray.
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