I like to create

Just a few things I've made recently.  It makes me happy to use my favorite quotes.

Giving Back

Right now there isn't a lot I can give back.  Physically.  I don't have the means.

I was thinking about that in the meeting last night.  Our topic of discussion was giving back.  To other alcoholics as well as others.

All I can do with other alcoholics at this time in my life is share my story.  And tell them how much better it is now.  How I will do anything to keep my sobriety.  My sobriety is so important to me.

The biggest thing I thought of to give back to those I love is their peace of mind.  Since I'm not drinking all the time anymore, they don't worry about me like they used to.  They aren't scared I'm drinking myself to death or going to drive drunk and kill myself or someone else.  They don't have to walk on eggshells around me because they don't know what kind of mood I am in for that day, or that minute.

I can give them my sobriety and my desire to live and be happy.  My gift is me.

I will give back any way possible when the moment is right.  I love helping others and being there for them.

I am incredibly blessed to be able to share this way of life.

I am blessed to be alive.

I am thankful I am happy to be alive.

Let Go and Let God

I try so hard to do this.

I am doing better about letting God.  But even when I am trying to let go, I still fret over it.  I just don't DO anything.

The husband and I had to have a conversation about safety with the teenager last night.  I was fretting over it for 2 days.

Sick to my stomach, wanting to cry, fretting.

I kept praying and praying and praying.  Please take this fear from me.  Please calm me down.  Please help me.  Please.  Take this fear.

And I learned last night.  It is all in my head.  As long as I think about what needs to happen vs jumping the gun, everything will work out.  If I address the situation calmly, it won't all go awry.  If the husband and I present a united front, there is no room for manuvering.

Was the teenager happy with choice we made regarding her safety, probably not.  But we explained why we didn't trust the situation, although we trusted her to make good choices.

I did all of that worrying for nothing.

Maybe that was the lesson.

Let Go.  Let God.

Writing and Delivering

I am working on my 9th step.  Made direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when do to so would injure them or others.

This part is hard.  Not that I am unwilling, because I am more than willing.  But because I cry whenever I think of all the pain and hurt I caused and the peace of mind I stole.

I am so willing to make amends.  To show I am working the program and I am going to be the best person I can possibly be today.  Because tomorrow always becomes today.

I think I have been being hard on myself lately.  I feel like I'm failing as a mom.  I am trying so hard to find the middle ground of not being so controlling, but also not letting them (the kids) get away with everything.  There are so many habits I have to break.  I know I have to take it one day at a time, but I just don't know if I'm doing it right.

I have to make amends to my kids and my husband.  My siblings and my parents.  There are some other people as well.  But those are first.

And that's a lot.

So please pray for me.  With me.  Pray that I will let God be in control and he will guide me to do His will when parenting, and being a good person, in general.

I just want to be the best person I can be.  I want to be the best parent I can be.

I am just so scared I am going to mess it all up.

I Thought I Was Safe There

I went to church yesterday.  I hadn't been in months.  I'd probably only been once since I stopped drinking.

At church, we serve wine during communion.  We also have a non-alcoholic wine.  The non-alcoholic wine is in the middle ring of the tray.

The middle ring was empty yesterday.

Empty.

All that was there was alcoholic wine.

I froze.  I took the cup because I had to. But I panicked.  I had no idea what to do.  Because I knew if I drank even that little bit, I was going to be in trouble.

Even that little bit.

When we were dismissed from the altar, I went to the Sacristy and put it on the counter.  Went to the bathroom and cried.

I couldn't handle it.  I did handle it.  But I felt this rush of panic. 

I didn't drink it.  I am okay.

But I am going to make sure there is non-alcoholic wine from now on.

I thought I was supposed to be safe at church.

I Am Seeing the Promises

I am seeing the promises!

I am seeing and witnessing the good that can come in my life!  And it is amazing!

Just when I start to get inside of myself.  When I start to withdrawl, He shows up.

I am so blessed.

So incredibly blessed.

We may not have a lot of money.  We may not have all the bells and whistles other people have.

But we don't need it.  We have what we need.  And what we don't have is being provided.

I never understood God taking care of my needs.  I never did.  But since I have given my life to Him, He is doing more than I ever even thought to anticipate.

God is so good.  So good.

I Have Joy

I have joy.

Serenity.

Peace.

Love.

Calmness.

Faith.

Spirituality.

Not only did God bring someone back into my life, the weather is getting colder!  Not that they are equal at all, but God is good.  All the time.

I never thought I would have ever had such peace in my heart.

I tell myself every day that I am forgiven.  I have to remind myself.

I forgive you.  I forgive myself.  God has forgiven me.

I am not my past or my bad choices.

I am not my mistakes.

I am a child of God and I am forgiven.  If I continue to follow the steps, keep up my spiritual fitness and focus on today, with the help of my support system and God, I got this.

I am forgiven.

Mandy, I forgive you.

New Beginnings

For the first time in years, I went to a show/concert sober.  

Sober. 

That means no Xanax for my anxiety.  No alcohol for, well, to drink so I am more comfortable.

Nothing.  

It was fun.  It was weird.  It scared me.  But it was good.

I remember the whole show.  I know I didn't make a fool of myself by being drunk.

And I felt bad for those who were falling down drunk.  And worried how they would get home safely.  

It was wierd.  Odd.  

Enlightening. 

Refreshing.

Empowering.

I am not my disease.  I am not my addiction.  

I deserve to live a full and happy and sober life.  I deserve to feel emotions.  

I am worth working to save.

And I am pretty sure my social anxiety never existed.  I thought I had it because I wanted a reason to drink.  Alcohol gave me social anxiety.

I thought it was my solution, but it was the beginning of my problems.

3 Month Chip

3 months.

92 days.

A quarter of a year.

A QUARTER OF A YEAR!

I haven't had a drink, sip, taste, DROP of alcohol!  Even at communion at church I have non alcoholic wine.

3 MONTHS!

I am so proud of myself.

It hasn't been easy.

I had a relapse 3 weeks into AA.  I stopped going to meetings for 4 days.  I started to think I could have 1 drink.  Just 1 bottle.  I woke up the next morning and was back to wanting to die.

I wanted to die, but I didn't want to die.  It seemed like the only logical choice.  If I couldn't stop drinking, then I should die and get it over with.

Such is the mind of those with a sickness.  Espeically a spiritual sickness/illness.

That day.  The day after my relapse I prayed.

I prayed so hard.  And I haven't stopped.

I asked God to take ALL of me.  The good and the bad.  My insecurities and my flaws.  My assets and attributes.  I asked him to take them all so that I could do HIS will and not my own.

And I haven't looked back.

I don't have drama.  I pray.  I thank God.  I ask for forgiveness.

Now I just have to truly forgive myself for all I have done to hurt myself and other people.

I work on that every day.  I will get there.

3 whole months.

A quarter of a year.

Through Him all things are possible.

Even for this lousy drunk ;)

Heartbroken

I am working on my 8th/9th steps.  Making my list of amends to make and then making those amends.

There is one amend (amends?) I really need to make.  For my own sanity.  So I know that I have done everything I can do, now, to try to mend a relationship.

I've said really hurtful things to this particular person, while I was drinking.  Because I felt it needed to be said.

I cannot take the words back.  Ever.  They won't be forgotten.  They will be forever etched into this person's mind.  Deep.

You don't realize how bad words hurt until you are sober.  At least, that is how it is for me.

Until you are dead to them and you aren't even told of life events you should have been a part of if things were different.  If you hadn't been so selfish and hateful.  I am heartbroken because, in the end, I did this to myself.

To know that I'm sorry isn't enough.

I want this person to know I am trying.  I am changing who I am today from who I was, even yesterday.

I never want to be that vindictive, angry, unforgiving person ever again.

Being an alcoholic isn't an excuse, but it is a reason.  I'm sick.  My brain is sick.  My soul is sick.  My brain doesn't think or work the same way as other's.  It doesn't give me a free pass to say the things I did.  I didn't have the tools to make myself better during those years.  I wasn't ready to look for those tools and ask for help in making myself better.  Because I couldn't and can't do it alone.  I was/am sick.  Only God can help bring me back to sanity and I had to give my whole self to Him.  So that I do His will, not my own.  He has to take away my defaults of character.  He has to forgive me so that I can forgive myself.

Because the first step to having anyone else forgive me and moving on, is asking for help and forgiving myself.

I'm ready to forgive myself.  So that I can be a better person for everyone else and do God's will.

I'm sorry.

Ways to Stay Sober...#529

I stay sober by keeping busy.  Praying.  Working the steps.  God.

And I crochet.

A lot.

Here is what I've done.  Not everything, but some of what I have pictures of.

I did not create these patterns.  The top hat is called the Olivia Hat found on Ravelry.com.  Which is where most of these are found.

Maybe one day I'll put a tutorial up here!

6th, 7th and 8th

Last night I worked with my sponsor on the 6th, 7th and 8th steps.

In going through the steps and praying and making sure in my heart and soul that I am ready to let go of all of my defaults of character and weaknesses.  I want the anger and hurt taken away.  I want to feel protected without ME having to protect me.  I want to give it all over to God.

I never want to go back to the person I was before I chose to live a sober life.

I never want to go back to a household of screams and tears and curses.

I never want to rely on a bottle to drown my feelings.

I never want to not have faith that God will take care of me and my family.

I went into AA thinking it would just give me the tools to control my drinking.

I am learning that by working the steps, I will never be able to control my drinking, but I am choosing to hand my life and will over to God so I don't have to try to control it.

The only thing I can control is my faith.  To live this life sober, I have to give myself to God and do His will.  My will got me where I am, His will will set me free.

I have to trust in Him, that He will provide for me and my family.  I have to ask Him for help in how I live.

Alcoholics Anonymous is not just a meeting or a program.  It is a way of life.  It is a spiritual journey through yourself so you can be the best possible you.  It has saved my life.  It gave me a new outlook on life and how I live.  I wake up in the morning and don't curse the world or run to the bathroom to vomit from drinking the night before.  I don't wake up wanting water or electrolytes.

I don't yell at my kids.  I don't yell at my husband.

I don't yell at people on the road who almost hit me in my car.  My road rage is gone.

I don't dwell on the past.

I am learning to Let Go and Let God.

And I want to stand on top of a mountain and shout to the world how light and happy and content I am because of it.

I want to share what I have learned with everyone.

I want to be the person God knows I can be and the person my children need me to be.

I am not just sober.  I am living a sober lifestyle

.

And it is extraordinary.

Having a Rough Time

I have over 2 months sober.

We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfullygrant a sick friend.

From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.

I am having a hard time.  I am working so hard on my sobriety.  I am not yelling at home anymore.  I have no desire to.  I have no desire to drink.  I have no desire to argue.

But I still have issues with control.  And when that default of character rears its ugly head, others in my house yell at scream and curse at me.

But I don't raise my voice.  

I tell them not to yell and curse at me.

I need to work on just walking away.

I am scared.  Because if that behavior doesn't change, if I am continually yelled at, I will have to take care of me and leave.

I don't want that to happen.  But I don't know what else to do. 

I need others to realize they need to work on their spiritual health as well.

I need help.  I can't do this alone.

No one is worth losing my sobriety over.

The Promises

This is the first time I have really read through the promises.  Talking with someone last night, I was going over how I am feeling now.  Especially compared to 3 months ago.  Even 1 month ago.  

I am content.  I pray every morning.  I pray every night.  I pray in between.  I don't get angry, or at least as angry, when people cut me off in traffic.  Today, instead of yelling at someone being a poop head on the road, I simply said, "that was not very nice, Mr. Red Car."  Then I kind of laughed at myself.  I didn't get tense or angry.

I say the Serenity Prayer a lot.  I say it with my kiddos.  I try to live my life the way I feel God is leading me. 

I am starting to know serenity.

I will let nothing come between me and my sobriety.  I love waking up and not being hung over.  I love waking up early and feeling like making breakfast for my kids.

I love being creative again.  And comfortable (mostly) in my own skin.  I love that I have lost nearly 30lbs.

I love that I feel confident enough in my spirituality I am able to recommend to my husband that he should stop and pray.

I am starting to forgive.

Forgive my biological mom.  My uncle.  My family.  

I have always said everything that has happened to me, happened for a reason.  As much as it is horrible to be sexually abused as a child, I wouldn't have been able to know what it is truly like to NEED to forgive someone.  Not for their sake, but for my own.  And I embrace it.  I want to forgive everyone.  I want to move on and not dwell.  I'm so tired of dwelling.  

I am embracing all of these promises.  I see them working already.

I am so blessed.  So. Incredibly. Blessed. 

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity,
and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone,
we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and
gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations
which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us
what we could not do for ourselves.

Almost 2 Months Sober

I haven't blogged in awhile.  And a lot has been accomplished.

I have finished my 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th steps.  I am currently working on the list for my 8th and will soon start my 9th.

The 9th step.  Making amends.

Some of them I am so ready to be done with.

Others, where I am ready to be rid of the guilt and shame and anger that resides in my heart, I am scared.

I don't know how to live without those feelings.

I am excited to work on being free from them and to learn to live without them.

I am just so scared at having to actually do it.

I will have 2 months on the 7th.

I'm feeling good.

God is Good.

Hit your knees and pray. Just....pray.

I never understood the power of prayer.  But then, I never prayed.

Now, I try to remember to pray every morning.

On my knees.

Every night, before bed.

Every day when I feel myself being tempted by the devil.
When my patience is thin, anger is high, anxiety won't go away, the urge to drink is overwhelming, I pray.

I pray to live and do God's will.

I pray He will give my family all they need.

I pray I can help other people.

I
just
pray.

I pray and ask for forgiveness.  I pray and thank Him for all I have, all of which I don't deserve.

I am just a sinner.

I am not perfect.

But.

I pray.

I ask for forgiveness.

I ask to do His will.

I ask for help.

His help.

Because I don't want to, nor can I, do this alone.

I need His hand in mine.

His guidance.

Love.

Forgiveness.

Strength.

Him.

I Don't Have to Drink

before i started going to AA, i found any reason i could to drink.  hell, i didn't even need a reason.  i just wanted to drink to get away.  i was so over the taste of alcohol by the end of my drinking, i just wanted something to make me not feel any more.

so for the past 6 weeks I have been going to meetings, 5-6 meetings a week.  i had my slip up during my first week 3.  this week 3 one of my ladies is in the hospital.  

i say one of my ladies because she is an older lady from my church who helps out tons and whom i love dearly.  she is like a gramma to me.  just...someone who is tough as nails and so strong and has been through so much.  i look up to her so much.  she's one of my ladies.  she comes to tuesday morning bible class.  she helps fold bulletins.  she helps with meals at various times.  i love her.

i am so sad though.  because she is in congestive heart failure.  she has such a will to live.  and this sucks.  

i am so blessed i have been able to have her in my life.  that she has touched me so much.  but i am so sad.  

7 weeks ago, i would have bought a bottle or 2 and sat at home drinking tonight.  

but i'm not going to.

i'm going to say some prayers because i know i can.  i'm going to go to a meeting because i know i can.  and i'm going to make sure i tell my loved ones i love them.

i don't need to drink.  i don't want to drink.  or at least, i don't want to drink to lose myself.  

a jack and coke sounds good.  just for the taste.  but i know i can't do just one.

so here is to my new love.  coke zero with cherry and vanilla.  thank you sonic.

The Desire to Drink is Gone

I can drive by a liquor store and think, i used to plan my life around when i could go there.  how much money i had left.  did i have enough to buy something.

now i drive by and think...in a way...i've lost a friend.  i lost a friend who took my money and gave me stomach aches and headaches.  who made me sick.

so not really a friend, but a parasite.  a parasite i was used to living with.

i used the drinking to cope with raising my kids.  i know that sounds horrible.  i feel horrible saying it.  but when my son would start to yell at me, i'd grab a drink to check out.  now i have to deal with it.  i have to give up some control.  i have to understand that no, he isn't allowed to talk to me that way, but everything doesn't have to be my way.

it is like i am working the steps in my whole life.  which, i guess i am.  i guess i'm supposed to.  but i never would have even thought it would help me with parenting.  or being a better wife, or communicating with my husband better.

speaking of husband, i had to tell him i am not happy with our life right now.  a lot of it has to do with me being responsible for 90% of everything that gets done in the house and another 5% i have to remind him to do.  this weekend he had to deal with everything.  the little kids had a fight, he dealt with it.  they wouldnt' do something, he dealt with it.  it was so hard for me not to jump in...to take control.  to hear the kids screaming out side.  just playing...but loud.

and i know people say, just relax.  i've never been a relaxed person.  ever.  even when i would drink.  i want things how i want them when i want them and that is unrealistic and ridiculous.  absolutely ridiculous.

the weekend was so amazing..compared to previous weekends.  i am looking at myself and trying to figure out what i can change.  in me.  what my default of character is and how many i have.  i have to.  so i can show my kids how to live and lead by example.

i'm sober.  i pray.  i thank God.  i work my steps and go to meetings.  i hold myself accountable and responsible for my actions and thoughts.  and i keep myself busy.

by the grace of God, i got this :)

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

I am not really a think before you act type of person.

or at least i wasn't.

working on my 4th step...i am doing a lot of thinking before doing.  not in a bad way.  i'm not getting down on myself for my issues and the improvements i know i need to make.

i am becoming more self aware.  i was pretty self aware before.  i know when i am being unreasonable, even if i don't change my behavior when i am being that way.  i know when i should calm down and blowing things out of proportion, even though i don't change my behavior.  so i guess what i'm thinking about is the change i am going to have to make when i finally finish my 4th step.

it is a process of understanding and realizing no one is perfect.  i am internalizing everything before i really dig into it.  maybe that isn't the correct process.  but it is my process right now.  i want to make sure i am ready for these changes i have to make.  i want to make sure my brain is wrapped around it.  because i don't want to be reliant on alcohol when i'm sad or angry or upset or happy or excited or anything.  i don't want to rely on alcohol when i'm in a bad mood or when i think i can't be a mom any more.  i don't want to even think about taking a drink when i see myself through my kids' eyes...and they are wondering why i just flipped my lid.  i find it so hard to offer emotional support to my kids when they are throwing a fit or being needy.  and that is something i need to work on.  i just shut down.  maybe i need more than AA to help me with that part.  i don't know.  i just know i am aware of the issue.

i know i need to work on patience and understanding.  i know i need to work on being more present and spending more time with them.  i know i have been selfish with my time.

but i also need to tell them no more.  i need to tell other people "no" more often.  because i spread myself thin.  i give and give and give until there is nothing left for myself.

so, where thinking of yourself all the time is selfish, isn't putting everyone else first selfish too?  i was ignoring myself.  my health, emotional and physical.

i find myself driving down the road and thinking about my inventory.  thinking of the list of items i already have written.  those i have yet to write.

intolerant?  check.
lazy?  check
controlling?  check
obsessive?  check
selfish?  check
pushover?  check
angry?  check
resentful?  check
living in the past?  check
vengeful? check
irritable? check

and there are lots more.  i am learning, however, apologizing for such behavior, catching it when it happens or starts to happen, is a lot better than ignoring it and moving on without acknowledging it.  so these are baby steps in my process.  i figure i'll be done with my inventory in the next week or so.  then i'll be ready to share it with my sponsor.

i think what might be hard for me too though, are my assets.  i know that in general, i am a good person who has made some poor choices.  i will give whatever i have to anyone in need.

i am rambling at this point.  i don't really know what else to say...except...step 4, i am coming for you.  you will be had and conquered.  and repeated many times, so that i keep myself honest and humble.

i am not perfect, but i can sure live a humble life.  it is the best way i can show my kids it is all in your actions.  take responsibility.  own it.  acknowledge it.  ask for forgiveness if needed.  and move on.

The hopeless and hopeful.

A month and a half ago, I wanted to slit my wrists.  To feel something different.   Something.   Anything. 

I hated waking up hungover.  I hated dealing with my kids whining and crying and arguing.  I hated my husband checking out when they were his kids...leaving me to deal with it all.  I hated that I was drinking nearly every night because I didn't want to deal with it.  I hated that I couldn't remember anything from the previous night.

I hated that I felt so hopeless and lost and worthless and taken advantage of and run over and dead inside,  that all my attempts to stop drinking on my own were for naught. 

I had no hope for myself. 

Then,  through the act of divine intervention,  I finally said I needed help.  And I got it.  But not in the way I wanted.  But what I wanted didn't matter at this point.   It was what I needed. 

I cried throughout my first meeting.   And most of my second.  But something I hadn't felt in such a long time happened.   I started to feel alive.  I started to feel hope.  I started to feel like I could actually learn how to live.  How to fly.  How to have hope and be happy.   Hope that I could be a better mom for my kids.  Hope I could be a better wife and daughter and sister and employee.  And friend.  Aunt.  Cousin.  A better person. 

I HAVE hope.  I FEEL alive.  I still would like a drink, but I feel so blessed to be sober and actually living, I am not going to waste this new life on feeling hopeless ever again .

Gratitude. Thankfulness. Blessings.

Tonight was a good meeting.

Tonight was about gratitude.

I am so thankful.  I am thankful for my new relationship with God.  For a relationship I never had.

I had gone to church for most of my life.  I believed in God.  Or so I thought.

I never truly believed God was really there for me.  If He was, why did he allowed my uncle to abuse me for so many years.  Why did He give me a biological mom who couldn't take care of herself.

I was so angry.  But I hid it.  I said I was thankful it happened to me and not my little sister.  Or at least my other little sister got our mom when she was older.  I tried and tried to make myself okay with my past.

But I couldn't.   I was so angry.  I didn't WANT to forgive.  It made me so angry for so many years,  I just didn't want to feel any more.

So on to the gratitude. 

All through this, my dad and step mom stood by me.  They had no idea I was drinking as much as I was...but they heard me on my rants and saw my anger.  They were not saints by any means.  We all have our issues.  How they dealt with my abuse was not okay, however they didn't know the whole truth until I was wasted one night in my late 20s.  But they never gave up on me.  God never gave up on me.  If they would have, I wouldn't be writing this. 

So my gratitude to for my parents and my God.

And for AA. 

I still have a lot to work through.   And I have to work through sober.  But I can do this. By the grace of God,  and support, I will do this.

4th Step - The Process

On Wednesday, I talked to my new sponsor about starting my 4th Step.  I have a month.  I have a month to take a very precise and accurate inventory of myself, morals, choices, past...all of it.

It is scary but liberating.

I have been crocheting a lot.  A LOT.

Teenage daughter likes the infinity scarf I am working on.  She referred to me as "my mom" when talking about it.  It makes me smile.  It makes me realize I was missing so much being drunk every night.  It makes me so thankful I am sober right now.

Without the Grace of God, I would not be sober.

And for that, thank you, Lord.

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

This is step 2.

I grew up Christian.  Lutheran.  Of course I believe in a power greater than myself.  Of course He can bring me back to sanity.  If I ever really had sanity.  Before, during or after drinking.

I believed in this Power.  This God.

But I didn't trust Him.  How could I?  So many bad things had happened on His watch.  Only I could control what was happening.

But I couldn't.  I couldn't control it.  Because if I could control it, I wouldn't be in AA.

So for me, steps 2 and 3 go hand in hand.  Step 3 is Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 

So not only did I have to accept that I was doing insane things, I had to turn my will and life over to Him.

So I had my first relapse.  I was 3 weeks into meetings.  3 weeks sober.  Looking forward so much to my 30 days.  And I thought I had it. I thought it was so easy.

Then I wasn't praying.  I wasn't going to meetings.  I was relying on me.  Not my sponsor, not my fellow AA attendees.  Me.

So I had my bottle of liquor.  I woke up the next day with shame and guilt.  How could I do this?  I thought I could control it.  I.  I.  I.  I cannot do it.  I have to have help.  He has to guide me and take away everything from me.

One of my favorite movie quotes is:

 "Everybody listen up! The Gridiron is a football field. On the Gridiron, we do it my way, not your way. Your way got you here. Whatever gang you claim, whatever hood you're from, this is your hood now." 


 This is from The Gridiron Gang.  I know I am not in a gang or in a youth center for violent offenders.  I am not a teenager.  I am a grown woman.  So I should be able to control myself, right?


But I can't.

So I am admitting I am powerless.  I need His help to bring me back to sanity.  

I get on my knees every morning and every night now.  And I pray.  I pray that I can do His will.  I pray He will keep me sober.  I pray he will make me a better person.

I keep praying, and I'm staying sober.  I keep going to meetings, and I'm staying sober.  I talk to my sponsor, and I'm staying sober.

I am being honest with myself and my family and friends and to my Higher Power.

I am thankful to be sober.  I am thankful for my family.  And most of all, I am thankful for my God.

1 Week Sober. Again.

Why can't I drink like a "normal" person?

The fact that I am asking myself that, means I'm definately an alcoholic.  It means alcohol has taken over my life.  It means I am right where I need to be, AA.

I can't blame my drinking on anything or anyone else but myself.  I can lie to myself all I want, but that is just going to drive me to drink again.

Right now, it is getting easier.  I was so used to drinking nearly every night.  I just wish I could sleep.

There are a few people in the group, who I feel are just as awkward as I am.  Because I am very awkward.  I make lame jokes.  But I am always genuine.

Forever Young - Bob Dylan
Let Her Cry - Hootie and the Blowfish

Just a couple songs that I like to listen to.

2 Weeks

Today, I have 2 weeks sobriety.

2 weeks.  It hasn't been easy.  Every day I think about going back to the bottle.  Every day I think, why not just one more drink.  Every day I think...God can get me through this.

Coming Up On 2 Weeks

This sober stuff is hard.  HARD.

There are so many times when I am in tears because I want a drink.  I want to just go to the store and grab a bottle.  I almost did yesterday and again today.

Almost.

I wanted to so bad.

But then I messaged my sponsor.  She told me a section to read in the Big Book and I did.

But I still wanted to drink.  Just one drink.  Or maybe a few.  Just to take the edge off.  But then, when would the edge ever leave, if I had one just to take the edge off?

My teenager, she's 16, was asking me about AA and not drinking and what we talk about and such.  I was telling her about it and she said, "I can't believe Daddy could never tell when you were drinking.  I could.  I knew what to look for."

That made me feel like crap.  It also made me realize I won't be able to hide it from her if I did choose to drink again.  Because that is what being an alcoholic for me was.  Hiding it.  I hid the bottles.  I hid the my drunkenness.  No one could tell when I was drunk.  Except her.

I owe it to myself and these kids to stay sober.

But I want that drink.  It is so hard to sleep.  Unless it is during the day.  It is so hard to go out of the house, unless it is Sunday or after 9pm, when the liquor stores are closed, unless I have family with me.

I was going to a meeting tonight because sitting at home feeling sorry for myself wanting to drink wasn't working.  So I'm changing and getting my shoes on when the wee one asks if she can go with.  I told her I was going to a meeting, she's 8 and understands I am working on not drinking.  She said yes.  I said, do you know what kind of meeting?  She responds, the one that talks about not drinking.  I told her yes, and if you want to go, you have to be quiet and still.  She said okay, that she really wants me to not drink anymore.

It breaks my heart.  It breaks my heart even more that I am so selfish to still want a drink when she says that.

I have to give all of my wants and desires and pain over to God.  I have to give Him all my pain and troubles and concerns.  I have to let go and realize I cannot do this alone.  But that human part of me, that selfish and narcassistic part of me won't let me give it all away.  That type A part of me that feels I have to be in control, when I know I am not.  If I were in control, I wouldn't be here.  If I were in control, I wouldn't be the one crying because I want alcohol.  ALCOHOL.  Really?

But there is that voice in my head.  The devil.  The disease.  The illness.  The sickness.  And I know I cannot do it alone.

I cannot do this alone.

Freedom

Yesterday was a bit difficult for me.  I started to get the itch.  It was my 1 week sobriety-versary.  1 week.  I have no idea when my last total week sober was.

No idea.

But the really awesome things I have realized are as follows:

• I am saving approximately 2,000 calories a day.  A DAY!  I never realized how many calories I was drinking nearly every night.  2000!  

• If I spent an average of $15 for every night I drank, and I drank 3-5 times a week, that is an average of $45-75 a week.  Which is $180-300 a month.  
• Because I was already feeling crappy nearly every day, when I ate fast food, I didn't notice it was making me feel gross.  I had a breakfast burrito this morning and feel like crap.  I don't want to put that in my body any longer.

One day at a time.  Thank you Lord for giving me the strength to get through this day.  Thank you for giving me the clarity to know it was time to change.  Thank you for letting me put it all on you.

Reflections.

In meetings, we are going over several different things.  There are topics on forgiveness and learning to live in serenity.  I have to let go of the past to be able to be happy now.

Resentment.  Resentment is huge for me.  So is letting God take over everything for me.  As a human, I feel I can do it.  But I can't.  My way got me to where I am now.  I need to try someone else's way.  That way is through the steps and God.

I cannot change my past.  I can learn from it, forgive myself and others and make better choices in the present so my future is bright and sober and happy.

So I am going to work very hard on letting go of my resentment towards my biological mom for the drugs and alcohol use she opened showed me.  I am going to work very hard on my resentment towards my step-father for the drug use, of which I had become accustomed.  I will work very hard on my resentment towards my uncle for sexually abusing/raping/molesting me for the numerous years it happened.  I will work on my resentment towards my dad and his side of the family for not pressing charges against said uncle, and allowing him back to family functions, where I and other girls were in attendance, once I turned 18.  Can you imagine.  Having to see your molestor.

Here is the problem.  In those statements, I am the victim.  But I cannot be a victim any longer.  I can't.  I won't.  It isn't healthy.  I have to forgive.  I have to give it all over to God.  If I want to live a safe, happy, sober life, I have to give it all over to Him.

I know I am powerless over alcohol.  I understand I cannot to this on my own.  I know I need help.

These are the original twelve steps as published by Alcoholics Anonymous:^[10]

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

These first 4 steps...I am excited.  I am ready.  I want to be different.  I want to be healthy.  

I cannot let myself turn into my biological mom.  Because that is what was happening.  I resented her for what she had become, but I was becoming her.  It is no wonder I hated myself.  I just didn't realize, until everything cleared, why I was so unhappy.

With the help and grace of God, the support of my family and friends and working the program, we got this!

Third AA Meeting

I just had my third AA meeting.  AA.  Alcoholics Anonymous.  Me.

I cried through my first meeting.  I was so scared.  More than that, I was exhausted.  Tired of hiding everything.  I hid my alcohol.  I hid my hangover.  I hid my lies.  I hid my shame.  I hid me.

So I cried.  I cried and it felt good.  It felt amazing to hear people talk about things I thought only I felt.  I was no longer alone.

My second meeting was great.  I was looking forward to it so much.  I also met my sponsor there.  Apparently lots of people take a while to get a sponsor.  I've never been one to wait around.  I spoke during my second meeting.  Just a big.  A very abridged version.  Extremely.  Like, 5 minutes of my life.  However, it felt good.  it felt right.

I haven't had a drink since the 16th of June.  The 19th was my first meeting.  I skipped Saturday.

I have been thinking.  A lot.  A lot, a lot.  I have come to realize I was turning into someone I didn't like.   I was turning into someone I had never forgiven.

My mom.  My biological mom.

Now I am ready to work on that.  I want to work on me.  On my sobriety.  My family.  I want to love me.  I want to be serene.  I want to feel serenity.

I will have it.

One day at a time....